Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Change in Experience of myself.

Apr 12th 2011

A few days ago I cut my finger open and had to get stitches. This was an interesting experience. Starting off I was opening a bike lock that I bought because my old one broke because we have invested shit into shit thus making more shit, so the bike lock was shit simply. The bike lock that I bought had cable ties holdoing it in place and I was using a knife to cut it open. I got the first cable tie open and as I ut the second one the force that I was using continued through right into my finger. So I immediate dropped everything and started to run water on it. The pain was interesting, it didn’t hurt to the point I could not stand it, but it was still very prominent. So I ran water and my mom said to apply pressure and got me a towel to do so, and I did so. I was standing over the sink for a bit jut resting there, I put my head down on my arm to rest more, my mom told me to go sit down, when I told her I will do what I want. We cracked up in that moment bursting into laughter because it was an unexpected remark. I said this because in the past people have told me to do things that simply I was not ready for or wanted to do and would come to a point of passing out if I pushed myself to do something that someone wanted me to do or thought I should do and was not ready, so the words I will do what I want was a reaction to being told what to do, and I was not ready. So I layed there for a bit by the sink and rested holding it and once I caught my breath and started to focus then I sat down.

In the clinic I was waiting to be called. I was fine with taking care of myself and directing the situation for myself. So I let my mom walk out and go shopping, I let her entertain herself not needing her to be by my side. When the nurse had a look att my finger another nurse came and said did he beat the girl from yesterday to which Ithought `WTF I did not hit any girl causing this` and I realized that it was thus a competition point meaning that a girl came in yesterday who had to get stitches for her finger and thus I then hoped that I would win in that case. I never found out, but a fucked up point none the less. I noticed this a few times throughout my life where me and others will compete with having the worst injury as if we are proud of making through it but that doesn’t matter as none of us will survive death.

I got into the doctors office and there was a needle sitting there and I was imaging it being put into the tip of my finger and the pain that would occur from that I started to fear the that pain. Since doing the ITD course on fears I forgave that fear and was looking at that fear. And simply I would have to feel that pain, there was no `escaping` it. So I realized that I had to go through pain simply and had to face that pain. The needle went into the base of my finger to numb the finger, and the pain was not as bad as I thought it was, in fact it was cool. It did not hurt worse then a `bad` needle being injected into my stomach while doing insulin. A bad needle would be one that does not go in properly and somewhat sticks and I have to push it through. So the pain was and it was not that bad, the cool part was the fact that they called it a ring block, and as he was injecting it I could feel a pressure surrounding my finger exactly like a ring.

While having the stitches in I was talking to the doctor about the election. In that moment I realized that I simply struck up conversation with a stranger about a topic that was interesting to me. I did not question about what to say or what his interests were or anything like that, nor feared about speaking to him. I simply asked him if he watched the news and went from there. It is simple to speak to people without fear, and the only thing that would limit me would be the fear of speaking. I enjoyed speaking to him and gathering a perspective from a person in the medical industry, where he too was glad to get off work when the time permitted, just like anyone else. He did not enjoy his job but did It for the money. I talked to the nurse afterwards about diabetes, and again no fear no insecurity just simple talking. We were talking about life and she said a cool thing where her relative got diagnosed with diabetes at age 80 and she said why would you want to live 5 years unhappily instead of living 2 years happily enjoying chocolate cake. This I found as an awesome perspective, because we are all fearing death trying to live as long as possible with no joy in life. So why at the end of ones life try and keep it going unhappily when death is just around the corner. Why not enjoy yourself with some chocolate cake?

I write this because in the past I would have feared about what to do, about how to handle the situation, but through participating in desteni and the Desteni I process I have been abele to take responsibility for myself and remove some fears. I mean sure I could have complained about this situation but I did it to myself, no one to blame, and I am fine. I took directive responsibility within it and I enjoyed this, no negative emotion. I did not fear not working that night through money, I did not beat up on myself for creating this, I just went through it doing what I needed to do, all things that I have learnt to develop through participating in the Desteni I process, and Desteni. The change in experience of myself is quite cool.

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