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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Love

Right now


Again I am in this state of not wanting to do anything. I want to hide and not be seen and to disappear. I want to be invisible I do not want to participate in this world. I had my hands in my pocket the whole time I was in the mall because I did not want to participate in a thing. I wanted to hide to not be seen to drift by unnoticed so that I could be `free`. I limit myself when I am around people. I allow people to limit me. Limit my voice. I am un happy with my participation with myself, but should I be HAPPY about it? No I should not be happy about it I should know that I am effective within it. I should know that I have applied myself in every moment and will apply myself in every moment and become comfortable with myself knowing that I am effective and stable. So I was depressed and wanted to hide and escape from reality entirely so I did so by entering my mind. I did not want to be here and face myself in reality so I hid myself within my mind. I saw reality a lot different I believed to see each being as its own self. It was just a belief though not a reality because I could only see what I was focusing on and not the whole of life. I have gone through this before and I am just unhappy with my life. I felt completely alone and did not want to go through and continue on with life. I did not want to know that there is nothing to live for in this reality. There is really nothing to live for in this reality. I do not like that fact I have always wanted love and I realize now that love is always why I feel that way…Like I want to hide I want to hide because I get no love. Love I have fucking struggled with for quite a while. And it is a large control point for me. That I have enjoyed the feeling that I have created through media I love movies how it is forever happiness, so the search for love is the pursuit of happiness. The constant happiness. Which I can no longer stand by. Love is a hell that has fucked with me for quite a while, Each time I think about suicide love is involved in some way. The time when I was going to kill myself and planned everything out was because I felt no love. I saw no love in this world and no attachment, something that I have been searching for ever since I belived it to exist. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that love exists. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to xist as love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself love. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to love myself.

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