Picking up from the last post which was this morning. I participated in desteni and watched the Money system update video, as well talked to Bella. The night before I posted a post on the forum and thought it was revelational. After thinking it was revelational I wanted to justify and validate this...I projected and imagined a situation where someone would talk or post a reply being really excited about the post, thus validating my bullshit...looking at it now I am glad no one did...Bella did not justify it/ I did not justify it in reading Bella's post. I am glad that no one did because I would have allowed myself to participate in that bullshit. I still have a point of wanting to be special or famous, and have been fearing it coming out, here it is and I am sharing it. I have wanted to be significant to gain power and to gain trust so that I can guide life, because I believe that my ideals are rightous. So self-rightousness and ideas are a point that I am going to take a look at. That post was an Idea, an Idea from an observation, An it was stemmed from an idea because I had the idea that all we need to do to move this world is to complain about the position it is in. Within that beclieving it to be significant - it wasn't. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire and want to be signidficant so that I may have power and be `looked up to` thus being able to control. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire control of this world. I forgive myself to not accepting and allowing myself to control myself - To move as Myself. I have feared allowing this point out because I fear being excluded from something that I have found that I have finally involved myself in, finally been able to participate in something with Honesty! = Desteni. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to attach myself to Desteni. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach/latch/leech myself to Desteni. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as desteni. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand alone using the desteni material to move myself effectively in my process. Ok After that I uploaded a video and had no reactions to that I did not care if people watched or rated or liked or gave a fuck lol, I went to work at 9 am and worked until 545pm.
During work I notcied that I always am attracted to looking at females...Attracted in the sense that I am not controlling myself I am energetically directed to females. so during work I was trying to focus on the work infront of me and remove myself from looking at females that I would be able to establish a relationship with. I did not catch every moment and applied SF on the attraction. During work I was not working my hardest, not moving myself within the stress that I usually would worrying whether or not I would lose my job. This was nice because I gave myself time to look the task that I was assigned over with a bit more clarity and I was able to not become stressed out over mistakes because I was giving myself time, now this was because I was not doing my normal job. I usually work shipment which is absolutely time based. We get a UPH (Units per Hour) to do. And we normally get in around 6000 units. So if the UPH is 150 and we get 6000 units in we have 40 hours split between the shipment team to complete it. And so you can see how it is completely time stressed. I will see how I handle this point now that hoidays are over and my regular schedule is back. In the past I would stress myself out because my manager is rushing us asking us to get shit done faster and faster and faster, and giving us time updates every half-hour or so. I become stressed out because I fear osingmy job if I do not comply with the requirements. So 1 I must not fear losing my job 2 I must not fear death. Losing my job and Death are completely related.
Another Interesting point during work is that I have been reading Tao Te Ching and after reading it I gather a state of mind of `peace`. Within this I still think the same thoughts being in clamer state. Within the state I was very unhappy and within that I did not give into looking at females I was more concentrated on the work although I still thought about how I would be perceived by females. So I ask myself why do I need anothers honest words to live by, why Am I not lving by my own word. Obvious within that because I am not living my words. During conversation I dive deep into my persoanlity, and supress my actual self. I say shit that I normally would not say and participate in shit thatI would not normally participate in. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear speaking as myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear conflict of words. I do not need to participate in the conflict as soon as one `harsh` word is said I can walk away. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must continue to participate in conflict until it is resolved through moving deeper into the conflict. The conflict can and is easily solved by walking away from the harsh words and moving on.
Showing posts with label Sex Expression Sexual History Sex Obsession Sex Possession Sex Addict Sex Fiend Sexual Desires Disiring Sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sex Expression Sexual History Sex Obsession Sex Possession Sex Addict Sex Fiend Sexual Desires Disiring Sex. Show all posts
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Facing self and Standing up!
So 2 things I want to cover 1 an equal money system and the book that I am reading. 2 Facing the point that I have shared now and moved past.
I am going to start with the point that I have removed fro mmy past. So 2 days ago there was a point that was brought up of my past sexual experience with a friend. I was completely scared to share this point so I kenw that I must, I had deep regret, embarassment and disgust for myself for this point that I have been holding onto and now I have let it go. So I wrote about it on the desteni forum and applied self-forgiveness for my emotions and feelings associated with the event. So I added him on facebook and talked to him. I brought up the point although there was some initial resistance. I needed to know that he has moved past it, or I would feel guilty about bringing that upon him and I would take responsibility for it. So I brought it up and it wasn't just a get in get out conversation, because it has been like that before, I held that topic for a while explaining myself so that I could not shy away from it any longer. He has moved past it, and now I can let that go knowing that he has moved past it, because I would still hold onto it within guilt if he had not. feels relieving to release it.
And the book that I am reading. It is called Capitalism's Achilles Heel. Great book. The author has been in a lot of corruption in the past few decades and knows a lot of corruption scandles and illegal money systems. The first chapter is to how to create your own false money, through dummy corporations, through mis-pricing, through Private investment companies, Through something called kickbacks, which are just incentives to give a company the deal...For example a company wants some Computers, The heads of the company both know eachother, and are `friends`. The company buying the computers will add an extra 15% onto the price for, service fees or for things like `being a good company`=something along the lines of that bullshit. That extra 15% will get wired to a offshore bank account with a low taxation and then the individual will get rich using company money. And the same can be done back and forth and usually are. What is interesting is that he has named almost everybank in the world being involved in illegal money handling. And that shows me that banks are the worst institutions around, most likely because they have the power of the money and the people who use banks to support their illegal trades will give a kickback to the CEO of a bank as well as other people of power. As well as pure bullshit! He gives an example of selling a bunch of comfortors with a thread count of 400 when actually being described and recorded for 250=being a lower quality. Therefore the difference in the money...My understanding is that a company pays for a 400 thread count product, recieves 250 and the extra money goes to the head of the company that sold it, so the difference goes to the President or CEO of someother motherfucker. What I really like about this author is that he recognizes the state of this world and he recognizes the consequence of dirty money. He knows that dirty money being supported is money taken away from countries' development and a dignant lifestyle for its people. He gives an example of Nigeria...I am running this off my memory which is not completly reliable, A president in the late 80's to early 90's extored in one year 2.5 times the GDP of Nigeria. So he made 2.5 times more money than the entire nation of Nigeria. Now this money could have gone to its citizens, it could have provided a much better life for them, but this fucker had to be greedy with the money, and the fucked up thing is that this system allows it, it allows this complete corruption of the world for a single few to live in wealth while a lot more live in poverty and worry about their ability to exist on a day to day basis. A lot of money is transferred through illegal trades. Dirty money is abundant and forever increasing. Because of the pyramis of money, Wholesalers sell it to dealers and the dealers make more money than they bought it for, increasing the money within illegal trades and corruption. Politicians are just as involved, their `crime` might be considered white collar but they still support the drug trade, they support dirty money.They are just as corrupt as any other person using abuse to make money.
Equal money will solve this shit, it will no longer be in existance, because it will stop where it is needed. Prostution exists because they need money to survive and are often lured into prostitution by being offered different jobs and being basically kidnapped and forced into it. Equal money will solve this because people will no longer be searching for a way to make money, because they will already have the money provided to them that they need to live. Drugs will no longer exist, because the people who transport it are unwilling for the most part and are doing it for the money. Equal money has the same affect on them as well, It has the same affect on the entire world. No greed will exist, No more working for something that you do not want to work for, Only working for what you want to do for this world and yourself.
Support an Equal money system http://www.equalmoney.org/
I am going to start with the point that I have removed fro mmy past. So 2 days ago there was a point that was brought up of my past sexual experience with a friend. I was completely scared to share this point so I kenw that I must, I had deep regret, embarassment and disgust for myself for this point that I have been holding onto and now I have let it go. So I wrote about it on the desteni forum and applied self-forgiveness for my emotions and feelings associated with the event. So I added him on facebook and talked to him. I brought up the point although there was some initial resistance. I needed to know that he has moved past it, or I would feel guilty about bringing that upon him and I would take responsibility for it. So I brought it up and it wasn't just a get in get out conversation, because it has been like that before, I held that topic for a while explaining myself so that I could not shy away from it any longer. He has moved past it, and now I can let that go knowing that he has moved past it, because I would still hold onto it within guilt if he had not. feels relieving to release it.
And the book that I am reading. It is called Capitalism's Achilles Heel. Great book. The author has been in a lot of corruption in the past few decades and knows a lot of corruption scandles and illegal money systems. The first chapter is to how to create your own false money, through dummy corporations, through mis-pricing, through Private investment companies, Through something called kickbacks, which are just incentives to give a company the deal...For example a company wants some Computers, The heads of the company both know eachother, and are `friends`. The company buying the computers will add an extra 15% onto the price for, service fees or for things like `being a good company`=something along the lines of that bullshit. That extra 15% will get wired to a offshore bank account with a low taxation and then the individual will get rich using company money. And the same can be done back and forth and usually are. What is interesting is that he has named almost everybank in the world being involved in illegal money handling. And that shows me that banks are the worst institutions around, most likely because they have the power of the money and the people who use banks to support their illegal trades will give a kickback to the CEO of a bank as well as other people of power. As well as pure bullshit! He gives an example of selling a bunch of comfortors with a thread count of 400 when actually being described and recorded for 250=being a lower quality. Therefore the difference in the money...My understanding is that a company pays for a 400 thread count product, recieves 250 and the extra money goes to the head of the company that sold it, so the difference goes to the President or CEO of someother motherfucker. What I really like about this author is that he recognizes the state of this world and he recognizes the consequence of dirty money. He knows that dirty money being supported is money taken away from countries' development and a dignant lifestyle for its people. He gives an example of Nigeria...I am running this off my memory which is not completly reliable, A president in the late 80's to early 90's extored in one year 2.5 times the GDP of Nigeria. So he made 2.5 times more money than the entire nation of Nigeria. Now this money could have gone to its citizens, it could have provided a much better life for them, but this fucker had to be greedy with the money, and the fucked up thing is that this system allows it, it allows this complete corruption of the world for a single few to live in wealth while a lot more live in poverty and worry about their ability to exist on a day to day basis. A lot of money is transferred through illegal trades. Dirty money is abundant and forever increasing. Because of the pyramis of money, Wholesalers sell it to dealers and the dealers make more money than they bought it for, increasing the money within illegal trades and corruption. Politicians are just as involved, their `crime` might be considered white collar but they still support the drug trade, they support dirty money.They are just as corrupt as any other person using abuse to make money.
Equal money will solve this shit, it will no longer be in existance, because it will stop where it is needed. Prostution exists because they need money to survive and are often lured into prostitution by being offered different jobs and being basically kidnapped and forced into it. Equal money will solve this because people will no longer be searching for a way to make money, because they will already have the money provided to them that they need to live. Drugs will no longer exist, because the people who transport it are unwilling for the most part and are doing it for the money. Equal money has the same affect on them as well, It has the same affect on the entire world. No greed will exist, No more working for something that you do not want to work for, Only working for what you want to do for this world and yourself.
Support an Equal money system http://www.equalmoney.org/
Sunday, August 1, 2010
My past
I fear people knowing my past because I judge it as "bad" but I do not define myself by it so I fear the reality my past is still a part of me, I still am the sperm and the egg. I will push myself through this fear, breath through it, and share my past experiences that I fear facing/people knowing the most.
MY sexual Past:
I will start within my oldest memory of myself within sex. In grade three, age 6-7, I was wanting to have sex then, to experience it, to understand why this reality is obsessed with it. Within wanting to experience it I became obsessed with it. I started fantasizing about having sex, how it would feel like, how I would act within the experience, what would happen. An interesting point occured just now, When I was fantasizing I would imagine tentacles wrapping around my penis, from a females vagina, even though I knew that it would not happen, and bind me to her for life. And going through my break up I have realized that I perceived that the relationship was going to last forever, that sex bound us together for life. So that want of support to be ever-lasting was existent when I was 6-7. I had this idea of sex being sacred and to only be with the "one" and there will only be "one" and I will have sex with only "one" and she will be the "one". Idea of sex being "special" and to only be with someone that will last the rest of your life. I am sure this stems back to being raised catholic. In grade three as well my friend and I were experimenting within sex, we would have anal sex to feel how it was, to experience it. This continued until I was 15, I think that was the last time we did that. When I was older I used getting drunk as an excuse to have sex with him, lying to myself and him saying that I forgot the whole night, not wanting to face myself. After a while or so, when I was 17 or 18 I talked to him about us having sex, and took responsibility for myself through bringing it up, it was completely taboo whenever we hung out. This also lead to confusion of my sexuality. I was stuggling with what I thought I wanted in terms of sex, I have looked at the situation of having sex with my friend and I realized that it was for sex, not attraction, I was possessed by sex. I even asked my sister when I was 8 or 9 to have sex with me. I have been completely fucking myself looking for something to fuck. I have used internet prostitution as well, and what lead me to realize that I was using men as an option to just have sex was that I was advertising myself with women first, not getting any results I turned to men. I was about to act upon an offer but I never followed through. I am glad I didn't because I have feared being gay because then I would be judged negatively.
Since then I have been constantly seeking sex, to feel it, to experience it. I have been infused within thoughts about sex. I have acted out on these thoughts, by masturbating incessantly until I was 18, trying to fuck everything that I thought I could get my dick into. I was confused for a bit, until I started looking into what I wanted and what I truly thought about men and women. I realized that I am much more attracted to females physically, but mentally men. So I knew what I wanted and went out to get it. My most recent girlfriend was the only female that I have had sex with, I have tried but I was nervous, went limp, got embarassed and dumped her to not have to face myself. This happened as well when we first had sex, but I couldn't run away because I was staying over at her house sleeping next to her. So I faced myself in that moment to see if there was any fear of judgement from her, there wasn't so after a few hours I became comfortable with her so I was able to get an erection. We had sex but I couldn't go because I did not know how to make myself go having sex. Until I became experienced in sex I could not orgasm. Not being able to orgasm= Uncomfortablility with the unknown, want of comfort, and resisting the unknown=Not being able to get an erection as well. The first time I did orgasm through another, was when she was giving me a handjob after having sex. It was not like any other orgasm because there was no pictured involved there was just the feeling of her, I let her take control, and obviously she cannot force pictures into my head. It was an orgasm that wasn't assisted by the mind, just the physical. This lead to having sex in the physical and I was able to orgasm not from pictures or thoughts but by physical feeling. Within having sex without a condom I could feel on the tip of my penis the point of her g-spot (I am not sure) and I think that what was feeling best for me was what felt best for her but I applied the best feeling I could to having sex instead of orgasming from thoughts and emotions. Although there were a few points of allowing myself to FALL in love with her and during sex her saying "I love you" would make me feel comfortable and I let myself go into love and feel the orgasm within love. A point I have noticed is that I enjoy making her go and get off on a female orgasming. So It was from energy of an orgasm point. During masturbation I would get off on a female having an orgasm, and during sex I would not feel as good if she was not feeling that good, So I am not sure if the point of I would try create the best feeling for me=the best feeling for her, or it was just an attraction to a female orgasm....Nope it was a point of the best feeling for me, but the best feeling for me would mean that she would have to be enjoying it as well, or it did not feel as good. So within sex I get off on making her orgasm, making the best feeling for her. But this is all a lie because only she can make herself orgasm unless it was in the physical for both of us.
Lots of questions but I am the answer. During sex I wanted to feel the best feeling I could find. And that entailed making her feel the best feeling I could find. I would orgasm after a while of feeling that feeling, she would have already orgasmed, orgasm, or not orgasm. So it was a feeling for myself but I did not want to be selfish about it so I tried to make her feel the best I could as well.
So this is my Sexual History and my experiences within Sex. During the writing of this, I became calm with sharing this, because It just is. I have already faced these points within myself but I have not faced defining myself by other peoples Perceptions of me. During this I realized that other peoples thoughts do not matter, they are not matter. If I can face myself within my fears/regrets of my actions than I see my truth of myself, and no longer have a perception.
MY sexual Past:
I will start within my oldest memory of myself within sex. In grade three, age 6-7, I was wanting to have sex then, to experience it, to understand why this reality is obsessed with it. Within wanting to experience it I became obsessed with it. I started fantasizing about having sex, how it would feel like, how I would act within the experience, what would happen. An interesting point occured just now, When I was fantasizing I would imagine tentacles wrapping around my penis, from a females vagina, even though I knew that it would not happen, and bind me to her for life. And going through my break up I have realized that I perceived that the relationship was going to last forever, that sex bound us together for life. So that want of support to be ever-lasting was existent when I was 6-7. I had this idea of sex being sacred and to only be with the "one" and there will only be "one" and I will have sex with only "one" and she will be the "one". Idea of sex being "special" and to only be with someone that will last the rest of your life. I am sure this stems back to being raised catholic. In grade three as well my friend and I were experimenting within sex, we would have anal sex to feel how it was, to experience it. This continued until I was 15, I think that was the last time we did that. When I was older I used getting drunk as an excuse to have sex with him, lying to myself and him saying that I forgot the whole night, not wanting to face myself. After a while or so, when I was 17 or 18 I talked to him about us having sex, and took responsibility for myself through bringing it up, it was completely taboo whenever we hung out. This also lead to confusion of my sexuality. I was stuggling with what I thought I wanted in terms of sex, I have looked at the situation of having sex with my friend and I realized that it was for sex, not attraction, I was possessed by sex. I even asked my sister when I was 8 or 9 to have sex with me. I have been completely fucking myself looking for something to fuck. I have used internet prostitution as well, and what lead me to realize that I was using men as an option to just have sex was that I was advertising myself with women first, not getting any results I turned to men. I was about to act upon an offer but I never followed through. I am glad I didn't because I have feared being gay because then I would be judged negatively.
Since then I have been constantly seeking sex, to feel it, to experience it. I have been infused within thoughts about sex. I have acted out on these thoughts, by masturbating incessantly until I was 18, trying to fuck everything that I thought I could get my dick into. I was confused for a bit, until I started looking into what I wanted and what I truly thought about men and women. I realized that I am much more attracted to females physically, but mentally men. So I knew what I wanted and went out to get it. My most recent girlfriend was the only female that I have had sex with, I have tried but I was nervous, went limp, got embarassed and dumped her to not have to face myself. This happened as well when we first had sex, but I couldn't run away because I was staying over at her house sleeping next to her. So I faced myself in that moment to see if there was any fear of judgement from her, there wasn't so after a few hours I became comfortable with her so I was able to get an erection. We had sex but I couldn't go because I did not know how to make myself go having sex. Until I became experienced in sex I could not orgasm. Not being able to orgasm= Uncomfortablility with the unknown, want of comfort, and resisting the unknown=Not being able to get an erection as well. The first time I did orgasm through another, was when she was giving me a handjob after having sex. It was not like any other orgasm because there was no pictured involved there was just the feeling of her, I let her take control, and obviously she cannot force pictures into my head. It was an orgasm that wasn't assisted by the mind, just the physical. This lead to having sex in the physical and I was able to orgasm not from pictures or thoughts but by physical feeling. Within having sex without a condom I could feel on the tip of my penis the point of her g-spot (I am not sure) and I think that what was feeling best for me was what felt best for her but I applied the best feeling I could to having sex instead of orgasming from thoughts and emotions. Although there were a few points of allowing myself to FALL in love with her and during sex her saying "I love you" would make me feel comfortable and I let myself go into love and feel the orgasm within love. A point I have noticed is that I enjoy making her go and get off on a female orgasming. So It was from energy of an orgasm point. During masturbation I would get off on a female having an orgasm, and during sex I would not feel as good if she was not feeling that good, So I am not sure if the point of I would try create the best feeling for me=the best feeling for her, or it was just an attraction to a female orgasm....Nope it was a point of the best feeling for me, but the best feeling for me would mean that she would have to be enjoying it as well, or it did not feel as good. So within sex I get off on making her orgasm, making the best feeling for her. But this is all a lie because only she can make herself orgasm unless it was in the physical for both of us.
Lots of questions but I am the answer. During sex I wanted to feel the best feeling I could find. And that entailed making her feel the best feeling I could find. I would orgasm after a while of feeling that feeling, she would have already orgasmed, orgasm, or not orgasm. So it was a feeling for myself but I did not want to be selfish about it so I tried to make her feel the best I could as well.
So this is my Sexual History and my experiences within Sex. During the writing of this, I became calm with sharing this, because It just is. I have already faced these points within myself but I have not faced defining myself by other peoples Perceptions of me. During this I realized that other peoples thoughts do not matter, they are not matter. If I can face myself within my fears/regrets of my actions than I see my truth of myself, and no longer have a perception.
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