Friday, December 31, 2010

Significance and work

Picking up from the last post which was this morning. I participated in desteni and watched the Money system update video, as well talked to Bella. The night before I posted a post on the forum and thought it was revelational. After thinking it was revelational I wanted to justify and validate this...I projected and imagined a situation where someone would talk or post a reply being really excited about the post, thus validating my bullshit...looking at it now I am glad no one did...Bella did not justify it/ I did not justify it in reading Bella's post. I am glad that no one did because I would have allowed myself to participate in that bullshit. I still have a point of wanting to be special or famous, and have been fearing it coming out, here it is and I am sharing it. I have wanted to be significant to gain power and to gain trust so that I can guide life, because I believe that my ideals are rightous. So self-rightousness and ideas are a point that I am going to take a look at. That post was an Idea, an Idea from an observation, An it was stemmed from an idea because I had the idea that all we need to do to move this world is to complain about the position it is in. Within that beclieving it to be significant - it wasn't. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire and want to be signidficant so that I may have power and be `looked up to` thus being able to control. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire control of this world. I forgive myself to not accepting and allowing myself to control myself - To move as Myself. I have feared allowing this point out because I fear being excluded from something that I have found that I have finally involved myself in, finally been able to participate in something with Honesty! = Desteni. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to attach myself to Desteni. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach/latch/leech myself to Desteni. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as desteni. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand alone using the desteni material to move myself effectively in my process. Ok After that I uploaded a video and had no reactions to that I did not care if people watched or rated or liked or gave a fuck lol, I went to work at 9 am and worked until 545pm.

During work I notcied that I always am attracted to looking at females...Attracted in the sense that I am not controlling myself I am energetically directed to females. so during work I was trying to focus on the work infront of me and remove myself from looking at females that I would be able to establish a relationship with. I did not catch every moment and applied SF on the attraction. During work I was not working my hardest, not moving myself within the stress that I usually would worrying whether or not I would lose my job. This was nice because I gave myself time to look the task that I was assigned over with a bit more clarity and I was able to not become stressed out over mistakes because I was giving myself time, now this was because I was not doing my normal job. I usually work shipment which is absolutely time based. We get a UPH (Units per Hour) to do. And we normally get in around 6000 units. So if the UPH is 150 and we get 6000 units in we have 40 hours split between the shipment team to complete it. And so you can see how it is completely time stressed. I will see how I handle this point now that hoidays are over and my regular schedule is back. In the past I would stress myself out because my manager is rushing us asking us to get shit done faster and faster and faster, and giving us time updates every half-hour or so. I become stressed out because I fear osingmy job if I do not comply with the requirements. So 1 I must not fear losing my job 2 I must not fear death. Losing my job and Death are completely related.
Another Interesting point during work is that I have been reading Tao Te Ching and after reading it I gather a state of mind of `peace`. Within this I still think the same thoughts being in clamer state. Within the state I was very unhappy and within that I did not give into looking at females I was more concentrated on the work although I still thought about how I would be perceived by females. So I ask myself why do I need anothers honest words to live by, why Am I not lving by my own word. Obvious within that because I am not living my words. During conversation I dive deep into my persoanlity, and supress my actual self. I say shit that I normally would not say and participate in shit thatI would not normally participate in. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear speaking as myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear conflict of words. I do not need to participate in the conflict as soon as one `harsh` word is said I can walk away. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must continue to participate in conflict until it is resolved through moving deeper into the conflict. The conflict can and is easily solved by walking away from the harsh words and moving on.

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