Sunday, August 1, 2010

My past

I fear people knowing my past because I judge it as "bad" but I do not define myself by it so I fear the reality my past is still a part of me, I still am the sperm and the egg. I will push myself through this fear, breath through it, and share my past experiences that I fear facing/people knowing the most.

MY sexual Past:
                  I will start within my oldest memory of myself within sex. In grade three, age 6-7, I was wanting to have sex then, to experience it, to understand why this reality is obsessed with it. Within wanting to experience it I became obsessed with it. I started fantasizing about having sex, how it would feel like, how I would act within the experience, what would happen. An interesting point occured just now, When I was fantasizing I would imagine tentacles wrapping around my penis, from a females vagina, even though I knew that it would not happen, and bind me to her for life. And going through my break up I have realized that I perceived that the relationship was going to last forever, that sex bound us together for life. So that want of support to be ever-lasting was existent when I was 6-7. I had this idea of sex being sacred and to only be with the "one" and there will only be "one" and I will have sex with only "one" and she will be the "one". Idea of sex being "special" and to only be with someone that will last the rest of your life. I am sure this stems back to being raised catholic. In grade three as well my friend and I were experimenting within sex, we would have anal sex to feel how it was, to experience it. This continued until I was 15, I think that was the last time we did that. When I was older I used getting drunk as an excuse to have sex with him, lying to myself and him saying that I forgot the whole night, not wanting to face myself. After a while or so, when I was 17 or 18 I talked to him about us having sex, and took responsibility for myself through bringing it up, it was completely taboo whenever we hung out. This also lead to confusion of my sexuality. I was stuggling with what I thought I wanted in terms of sex, I have looked at the situation of having sex with my friend and I realized that it was for sex, not attraction, I was possessed by sex. I even asked my sister when I was 8 or 9 to have sex with me. I have been completely fucking myself looking for something to fuck. I have used internet prostitution as well, and what lead me to realize that I was using men as an option to just have sex was that I was advertising myself with women first, not getting any results I turned to men. I was about to act upon an offer but I never followed through. I am glad I didn't because I have feared being gay because then I would be judged negatively.

Since then I have been constantly seeking sex, to feel it, to experience it. I have been infused within thoughts about sex. I have acted out on these thoughts, by masturbating incessantly until I was 18, trying to fuck everything that I thought I could get my dick into. I was confused for a bit, until I started looking into what I wanted and what I truly thought about men and women. I realized that I am much more attracted to females physically, but mentally men. So I knew what I wanted and went out to get it. My most recent girlfriend was the only female that I have had sex with, I have tried but I was nervous, went limp, got embarassed and dumped her to not have to face myself. This happened as well when we first had sex, but I couldn't run away because I was staying over at her house sleeping next to her. So I faced myself in that moment to see if there was any fear of judgement from her, there wasn't so after a few hours I became comfortable with her so I was able to get an erection. We had sex but I couldn't go because I did not know how to make myself go having sex. Until I became experienced in sex I could not orgasm. Not being able to orgasm= Uncomfortablility with the unknown, want of comfort, and resisting the unknown=Not being able to get an erection as well. The first time I did orgasm through another, was when she was giving me a handjob after having sex. It was not like any other orgasm because there was no pictured involved there was just the feeling of her, I let her take control, and obviously she cannot force pictures into my head. It was an orgasm that wasn't assisted by the mind, just the physical. This lead to having sex in the physical and I was able to orgasm not from pictures or thoughts but by physical feeling. Within having sex without a condom I could feel on the tip of my penis the point of her g-spot (I am not sure) and I think that what was feeling best for me was what felt best for her but I applied the best feeling I could to having sex instead of orgasming from thoughts and emotions. Although there were a few points of allowing myself to FALL in love with her and during sex her saying "I love you" would make me feel comfortable and I let myself go into love and feel the orgasm within love. A point I have noticed is that I enjoy making her go and get off on a female orgasming. So It was from energy of an orgasm point. During masturbation I would get off on a female having an orgasm, and during sex I would not feel as good if she was not feeling that good, So I am not sure if the point of I would try create the best feeling for me=the best feeling for her, or it was just an attraction to a female orgasm....Nope it was a point of the best feeling for me, but the best feeling for me would mean that she would have to be enjoying it as well, or it did not feel as good. So within sex I get off on making her orgasm, making the best feeling for her. But this is all a lie because only she can make herself orgasm unless it was in the physical for both of us.

Lots of questions but I am the answer. During sex I wanted to feel the best feeling I could find. And that entailed making her feel the best feeling I could find. I would orgasm after a while of feeling that feeling, she would have already orgasmed, orgasm, or not orgasm. So it was a feeling for myself but I did not want to be selfish about it so I tried to make her feel the best I could as well.

So this is my Sexual History and my experiences within Sex. During the writing of this, I became calm with sharing this, because It just is. I have already faced these points within myself but I have not faced defining myself by other peoples Perceptions of me. During this I realized that other peoples thoughts do not matter, they are not matter. If I can face myself within my fears/regrets of my actions than I see my truth of myself, and no longer have a perception.

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