Immaturity within/as Sex
When I first attempted to have sex I could not get it up. I was nervous, anxious and fearful of what the act of sex would entail and within that had many ideas, images, thoughts about how to experience myself within/as sex. Within this I was not placing myself as the maturity I needed to deal with/as sex. I was still very kiddish about it meaning, I saw it as an adult thing, I placed myself as less then, I did not go into it with the attitude I needed to get it up.
When I first attempted to have sex I could not get it up. I was nervous, anxious and fearful of what the act of sex would entail and within that had many ideas, images, thoughts about how to experience myself within/as sex. Within this I was not placing myself as the maturity I needed to deal with/as sex. I was still very kiddish about it meaning, I saw it as an adult thing, I placed myself as less then, I did not go into it with the attitude I needed to get it up.
I did not have the maturity to understand what exactly I was participating in, I did not see myself equal to it, I saw it as a fun and game type deal and not seriousness, meaning taking the breath, slowing myself down and participating equal and one within the physical act of sex. I had the mentality of a kid, I had the expression `Ouuuuuu sex yay` which in itself is a kiddish expression. I did not have the capacity to understand what I was moving myself within and within that had no idea, yet many ideas on how to interact with my partner within sex.
The point that brought this out was a self-forgiveness statement, one that said “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter into sex/sexuality within me and my world in absolute uncertainty/fear/anxiety/unknown - all reactions manifested within me with walking 'behind the veil into the secret dark land of the grownups' without any understanding/comprehension of the actuality of what sex is as an actual self-expression of/as the physical, but instead accepted and allowed myself to give-into fear and fall into darkness and participate in secret, equal-to an done with how thos ethat have gone before be approached the world/action of sex and within that - fell into, fed and created the wordl/actuality that sex has become for humanity for which I am equally as one responsible for, for not taking self-responsibility in who I am within and as sex from the start” – In this I saw that when I was not able to get an erection I was seeing myself as a kid moving into a grown up world of/as sex not seeing it as a physical expression and within this not giving myself the maturity to take a breath and find out what is was for myself and not letting any ideas thoughts or images I have created through masturbation and within/as the media to influence me on how I was going to go about within/as sex.
I was far from being stable within myself at that point and the point still comes up = fear of starting sex with a new person. Therefore maturity within approaching and dealing with sex is a must, as it is not an `adult` thing that I participate in, it is a physical act that we all participate in equally. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach the act of sex with a immature stance as an expression of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a kid moving into the `grown up` world when participating in sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when about to have sex with excitement stimulating the ideas emotions thoughts and images instead of breathing calming myself down and moving with/as the physical within/as the act of sex
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