Tuesday, March 29, 2011


Mar 29th 2011 11:14am

Yesterday I was quite lazy and unwilling to write and or vlog. I slept heavily yesterday. I felt physically exhausted and I was not here for most of the time. I was off in my mind thinking heavily, and backchatting extensively. I noticed that I was not angry, within this. Usually with extensive backchatting I would get angry and have trouble placing myself here. I did have trouble placing myself here but I was not frustrated with the lack of `success` of it. Yesterday was a day without cigarettes, and I realized that I have used cigarettes to help me place myself within the physical. The entire time I was doing this, which was placing myself within touch, I was smoking. I smoked just a while ago and was able to place myself here again. Today was not that bad with placing myself here, it was more of a `success` than yesterday. So I am going to have to move through the point of relying on cigarettes to stabilize me. I justified smoking today with getting rid of constipation. It did help, but I should only require myself to shit.

On the point of taking it easy on myself I have been applying this as the frustration has stopped. The morality is still there believing that I must stop myself within the mind. I enjoy being here much more than within my mind. I enjoy feeling the touch and actually existing with other objects as I see how they can and do assist me. Before this process I was ignoring other objects as life. Simply existing within my own little bubble. And now I see that they are life assisting and supporting me in every way that they can. It is quite nice. Backchatting and stopping backchatting is a cool realization of that which I am not. I realize that to voice within the head which can be called thoughts is not me. That I have created a voice to sound like me so that I may believe it to be me which is quite funny.

So yesterday I was quite reluctant to doing anything. I simply slept for most of the day and time. I did not want to get myself up, even when I was `awake` I was not awake, I was still existing in a state of lazyness and accepting my exhaustion, instead of breathing and stopping the exhaustion and doing what I could have done. I did not call into the other location for my job which probably would have assisted me in knowing an update on the process of it. I went in today to check up on it and the guy was not there who I have been talking to…and he was yesterday so I mean that simply shows me the consequence of my reluctance to move in this world. Things will move by me If in every moment I do not take the opportunity when I see it. Right now I have set myself up right here to type. I was going to watch the news and not write, but I placed this here so that I could write and so that I would write. I took the opportunity here to write instead of putting it off, and that is what I have done within process quite frequently which is putting things off. I have put off much of what I have wanted to do or had the opportunity to do, and I mean many things have passed me by through this reluctance to take the opportunity within each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use lazyness as an excuse to not take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lazy, instead of dealing with what I have to within this and my reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing life to move past me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow life to move past me through being lazy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lazy allowing life to move past me

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take the opportunities that life presents me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard life through being lazy.

1 comment:

  1. Stop the cigarettes ;) And for constipation add fiber to your diet = fruit and vegetables. And cut away much of the processed crap.
    For example in the morning. Take fruit such as banana, sweet pears, berries. Mix it with a blender and maybe add water if it is to solid. And drink it with a straw. It tastes great and will make you shit :P