Self-Interest and Participating within Desteni

Apr 1st 2011 4:45pm


I am at a crossroads right now of choosing to remove myself from desteni and participate in self-interests, or continue with desteni changing myself and my ways and my starting points within this process. This point is here now because I have not been wanting to write as much, as well I have not been vlogging as much in the past few days. There are resistances continuing with desteni, because of myself and my own will and application of myself. Resistances because I have been acting out of self-interest wanting to be seen as good or more than what I currently am. Resistances because I have not been getting what I wanted which was validation of my ego. Resistances to putting in the effort to change.

I am in the moment unsure of where I want to move myself. I do not want to go back to my life that I had previously and live out all of that, and I am resistant to showing myself to myself, resistant to being self-honest. I am honest when I am shown, when the words can be put down infront of me and then I can admit to it or not, but when I look I do not come up with words…I know what it is but I am not willing to be honest with myself about it. I am not stopping many of my thoughts and within this I have been allowing myself to create this stage of depression, through believing myself to not be able to change, and through backchatting I have been creating a lack of will to change myself.

I am laying down right now after sleeping for a few hours. I am not moving or willing to move pas this depression, well I wasn’t but I am deciding to write it out right now. I am depressed because I know that my entire participation within desteni has been a lie, so all of my `effort` does not exist, and within this I feel hopeless and purposeless and worthless. And within this the point occurs if I cannot get what I want what is the point in continuing?

So the choice still exists of whether or not to continue to participate with desteni. I do not enjoy myself right now, feel as though I have fucked up heavily to a point where no self exists. Yes to an extent I have fucked up, and yes I am not trustworthy at the moment, because I have been continuing to backchat and manipulate myself with emotions and feelings as well as sex. I have not applied myself within changing, I have applied myself within wanting to feel better about myself, and wantting to be seen as more, and wanting to be special. I have continued to try and feed my ego, searching for quick ways to apply myself to get a boost of ego to ride and then I would crash because I was not in control. So right in this moment I am starting the point of actually changing myself within participating in desteni, not looking for a quick way out.
I have written this many times before, where I know that I individually do not matter, because I alone will not change everything in the outer world, we all must stand to move this point of equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only concern myself with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto emotions and feelings to pity myself

I forgive myself that I haave accepted and allowed myself to value myself as an individual

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use depression to pity myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to move through the depression taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto depression to pity myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to debate with myself whether or not to continue with desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move within self-interest and not what is best for the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the thought if I can't get what I want then what is the point in continuing in regards to desteni.
I do not accept myself to again use depression to manipulate myself into acting on self-interest.

I do not accept myself furthering my movement on self-interest.

Now after moving through this I have forgotten why I was holding onto my depression in the first place. I am ffine now and always was, I just had to realize it.

Correcting my actions is going to take time and effort. So I have to check each post I make to make sure that I am moving in what is best for the group.
Holding onto that depression and those feelings really fucked with me. I believed that I was hopeless, not realizing that I was separating myself from my own correction of myself.