Mar 7th 2:22pm 2011
Breathing helps quite extensively, I slept again and was about to judge myself harshly, but I breathed. I slept after work. I said that I would sleep for 15 minutes and move past the want to sleep more, I purposely put myself in that position to move past it, but again I did not get up, I set the alarm later. I got up at that time and I enjoyed the feeling of sleep, I enjoyed not being here. But it was certainly an energetic feeling. The feeling is one of relief. I want more of this feeling so I sleep more…like masturbation basically. I was heavily abusing myself when I was masturbating through masturbating, I wanted more of the `relief` that I felt when I climaxed, so I heavily masturbated. And now I am heavily sleeping and through this I am abusing myself as well, not waking up and taking responsibility for myself, anyhow, to understand this I must stand equal and one to this. So yes it is the feeling that I enjoy and want to create more of through sleeping. As well I cannot nap as I have abused my trust of myself. It is the energetic feeling that I must move through and get rid of. When I wake up I make excuses and justification to why I can and should sleep some more, and it is simply to sleep more and have that feeling of sleeping, but it is not sleep that feels it is me. So I am creating this lack of responsibility for myself through sleep, this belief that sleep is relief. I am believing that I am not responsible when sleeping, I am responsible for the fact of myself sleeping and if I am not taking responsibility for myself within sleeping then I must take responsibility for not taking responsibility…the consequences will show as they are…my time to vlog and blog is much less when I sleep. So my responsibilities are becoming compromised when I sleep to not take responsibility, as well my job is being affected as well as my livelihood, so now I understand what is happening through myself sleeping. My responsibilities are being compromised and I am compromising myself within not taking responsibility, and I am not taking responsibility through sleeping more than 4-6 hours and the fact that I am allowing myself to sleep more when I nap. So the false feeling of relief is a lie, meaning that I am not relieved from my responsibilities when I sleep I only put them off from my mind, and believe they do not exist when I sleep, but the reality is that they do exist and they will always exist even within sleep, so sleeping less is better for me in taking responsibility, and napping is going to go.
A practical solution when feeling tired is to not allow myself to nap, to get up and do something, to read, to do work, to write, watch tv. I noticed that watching tv helps as it is a stimulation for my mind…playing video games would help…anything that would stimulate my mind would help stop me from being tired, but I am going to investigate when I feel tired as what I have been allowing myself to participate in.
So they consequence today was not getting up in time to go to work…I am absolutely grateful for their understanding, I called in and asked if they still needed me to come in, they said no it was fine, and I am absolutely grateful for this, as I was expecting to get yelled at, but again this in unacceptable on my part because I did not take responsibility for this.
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