So I slept 12 hours again today. I got up after 5 hours and was getting ready to work. I woke up pissed and decided to sleep some more. I woke up with stomach pains from eating chips last night and did not want to move through these pains…this happens when I eat chips and sleep. I kept on hitting the snooze button on my alarm for 10 more minutes. This got to a point where I knew I was not going to work today. I knew that I was sleeping through all of this to not face this pain. I was not taking responsibility for getting myself up and moving myself to get to work. I was pleased with where I was…at my moms and not having to worry about myself as everything is right here for me. This is a point that I am working on…I most likely would have went to work if I was not here. Being here at my moms is the point of complete support. Internet, Food, Shelter, everything that I need is here within this house. If I were at my house I would have to commute to get to anything. So I see this house as a sanctuary. It has everything I need within reach. This is a point that I have been falling on which is asking for support. Asking to be looked after. And not supporting myself. I started to do this but fell. I was starting to take care of myself in all ways but I see this place as having everything that I need and that there is no struggle…I am justifying this. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify being supported. Lol I am justifying this. I have started to pay her money for the days that I stay here, as I eat food I use internet I shower I do laundry, and within that I am just paying her to take care of myself here. I am not actually supporting myself entirely. It is a third party way of taking care of myself…I take out the middle man of lol `the man`. I take out the grocery store, I take out the Laundromat, I take out the library, I take out the middle man, and I place myself here, where everything is and I simply pay her to support myself. This is an `easy way out` of supporting myself entirely. I allow myself to justify it by paying her Before I would simply not pay her and use everything, this I became guilty for and did not enjoy taking advantage of this, so I started to pay her. And that is a justification, I just started to pay HER. I am not supporting myself by going out and placing myself within the money matrix.
This has become an addiction for me…going to a place where everything is within reach. I do not have to allocate time to travel. It has become an addiction to make things as easy as possible for myself within this world and that is a result of allowing others to take care of me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow myself to rely o others to support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live on my own taking in all responsibility for myself within this world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on people who have everything in place to support me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to place everything that I need within my own place. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually allow myself to come here to do laundry, use the internet, to eat. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear supporting myself with my own monetary means. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others whom have money to support me. Iforgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a bum. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others that have what I need to support me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself everything that I need. Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear giving myself what I need through the fear of not having money. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility with my own money.
So simply I have to make my own life instead of paying someone else to share their life.
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