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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Admitting that I am an evil Fucker

I have realized that I have been in process to `absolve` my `sins`. I do this to be good. I have done self-forgiveness to be good. I have done it out of ego. I have been participating in process to make myself `good`. To prove to myself that I am good. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am good. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support that belief of me being good. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore that I am evil. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore that everything that I do is only for me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am doing good for others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind myself from reality through belief of good and happiness etc. I forgive myself that I hgave accepted and allowed myself to `prove` the belief that I ma good by participating in process. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that people starving are me starving and that I am supporting starvation in the world. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to put myself equal to others.

The thought that came up within the last forgiveness statement was to put others before me. That is the epitome of what I have been doing. Putting others before me so that I can say that I am good. Putting them before me so that I can feel that I am more than others by doing so. I have been trying to kepp this belief of me being good supported by being dishonest with myself. Believing that I am here for others, believing that I am good. So now I am finally admitting to myself that I am an evil/ugly being. Down at the core of me I am completely ugly. I do not allow myself to see these points too often. So I am here facing myself in the worst now. There is not a resistant towads it anylonger, as I have been them I am them, I am not separate from it.

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