Again I am going through this point, of my word is not good enough to be heard. That my word is less than others. That I am less than my word. MY word is my word, nothing else about it. I can not be more or less than another it is a representation of me. So I am representing myself as less than. I am comparing myself to others….Ah, yes I am comparing myself to others in regards of doing what is best for all. I am stuck on wanting `free choice` in doing anything…I have been desiring a cigarette more lately because I am not wanting to stick by my word, I am wanting to be `free` to smoke. But this is not what doing what is best for all is about, I have no choice and this is something I am going to have to breathe through and actually apply self-love within this, because doing what is best for all is what is best for me and everyone else. This point is repeating itself as I have written about this before. So what has been happening in my life is me trying to decide where to take it and not being sure about the path that I want. This I must not look at I must do what is best for all within this. That is why my wants and desires are coming back is because I want more money and moving myself to this, thus being greedy. What is best for all within my reality right now is to slow myself down and to establish myself where I need to be. So This job right now is one of mass deception and I am going to have to become utterly deceptive to place myself within that job. A new job position is opening up within my reality, and I do not know whether or not I want to take this, I am debating with myself over this. Really I do not want to take this, because I do not want to change myself right now, I am stable to an extent, I have enough money to support myself and live, but I could use more to establish an internet connection at my home so that my travel time is cut.
This writing is a debate so I decide, I am using the word `but` often. I do not know anything, I am trying to figure out what to do through my memory and the past. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself from the present by using the past to try and determine the future. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to participate within each moment living as myself as life is each moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to debate with myself over the future from the past. It does not matter where I move my life right now, from the perspective of me, I have what I need, I am just wanting more. Right now I am I do not know where to place myself in relation to decisions based on my life. So it goes, and it will go and I must know the environment, the details of the possibilities before I can make a decision. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future based on past knowledge and information. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use knowledge to guide my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use knowledge to define my life.
So within this debate I have been feeling inferior to myself in not knowing where and how to guide my life, and feeling worthless in not knowing how to direct this money situation. This is really cool and another writing that has helped me see the problem entirely. And I am able to let this go now and am.
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