Doubting Before I Experience

Aug 1^st 2011
 

I have a judgment towards myself for watching tv and not writing. Not writing what I could write out, because as I was watching tv I saw that the only way that I can do anything for this world at this moment is write about it, share about it speak about it at every given chance, and take each and every opportunity to expose the shit in this world. I judge myself as well for lacking in writing skills, where now I want to write about something but I give into doubt that I do not have the capacity to effectively write and/or explain what I want to write out.

I have wanted to write something `good` for a while. I have read other peoples posts and compare mine to theirs, and I say `fuck my writing is just not that good, my insight is not that good, I cannot write like they write with such introspection and assistance`. If that is my starting point then yes I will end up going through that but those thoughts and ideas about myself are not real. Within this I obviously see myself as inferior to others and I see this as a dangerous place to place myself, as the inferiority is a belief of lack and that belief of lack is not real, I actually do have. The inferiority will lead me to isolate myself and separate myself even further and through supporting inferiority I am thus supporting superiority = defining others as superior to me. This is unacceptable to me = I do not want to live like this

I watch tv through the belief that I am not good enough and this is a massive problem within me. I believe that I am not good enough for life, I believe that I need to do and be more than what I am but the fact is that I am all that is here already I am only separating myself from it.

The problem as well is that I did not even try to do it so yes that was a fall…each time I watch a load of television it is a fall. I could have written about the TED talks video but I didn’t I knew I could write about that effectively yet I gave into doubt that I could not write as effective as I have compared others within. I do not know where this belief has come from. It has been accumulated from not doing blogs or vlogs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that I can forgive myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to try in every manor before I give up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into doubt
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want and to try to live up to expectations that I see within other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect myself to be like other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my writing capabilities
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot write effectively on worldly topics as I am `less than` others and must sit on the sidelines while they do all the work while I am supporting them on the `sidelines`
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility for life, through sharing and exposing life and what is happening to life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not good enough to speak about life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am less than life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the doubt of myself as who I am as life
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to first actually try something before I decide whether or not I cannot do it, and as well to not give up and to keep pushing myself until I realize that I can in fact do it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that all that is here is me because I am here.

The doubt that I was participating in is invalid. I did not go through it at all to have a reality based point to doubt myself. I doubted myself without even trying and that is fucked up as I fall even before I start.