I Created my Meaning and Fucked Myself

June 3^rd 2011
In the past I went through a multitude of coincidences. I believed all of these coincidences to be real, to be more than me, to be something outside of me that was controlling me.

I am going to start where I started it. I was researching heavily into conspiracy theories. If anyone has as well one would know about the 33^rd degree freemasonry. One night I started to see the number 33 occur in many things, such as the lights that make up the digits within the microwave `time`. I specifically state that they are lights that make up digits because that is simply what they are. I started to see this number 33 everywhere as well as the number 911. I associated 911 with the trade tower bombing and 33 with the illuminati, world control, and the people on the top of the pyramid. I started to think that something is up here, I am seeing this everywhere I look, and started to believe that it was somehow significant to me, that I am special...I am chosen to see this...I was still believing in a higher power, a control that was `guiding` me to see all of this shit. With all of these numbers coming up in my life I started to believe in significance of numbers or numerology or some crazed belief of that sort.

I remember clearly sitting on my couch watching tv and then looking at the number 5 or 2 not sure which one now, and feeling a feeling within me and not being able to define it within language I started to give numbers meaning in that moment. Yes!!! I clearly remember thinking that this is interesting so I am going to dive as deep as I can into it to investigate it to experience it, to find out what will happen, little did I know that I would be affected by it and control myself through and as the meanings after a while. So I was sitting on my couch looking at the number 5 or 2 I think it was 5...anyways there was a feeling that I could not describe. I was trying to find a word for the feeling I was feeling. I started associating 5 with love in that moment. No real reason to it other than the fact that I was feeling something in that moment and decided to call it love. Within that moment on the couch I started to give all numbers meaning. 1 became the human. 2 was benevolent somehow. 3 was evil through associating the illuminati with evil. 4 became god. 5 love. 6 evil again except more of a devil evil than human evil. 7 somehow benevolence, I associated luck with benevolence and since there was a pre-programming before me that 7 was luck I associated 7 with luck = benevolence. 8 was a mystery, sometimes it was good sometimes it was bad. 9 was a form of control like manipulation or deception. 0 was stopping I associated it with nothing. So with all of these numbers and meanings in place I then started to control myself according to these meanings and what I saw within numbers when I looked at the symbols of/as numbers. I created this all within that one moment and manifested it into my reality through continuing it.

I slowly fucked myself into this system of mathematics of numbers and meanings. I started to then create meaning onto 2 digit numbers, 3, 4, 5 digit numbers etc. All based on the meanings I have created within the primary 0-9 digits and then mathematically adding, multiplying, subtracting the numbers to give myself a meaning to associate with those numbers. I fucked with myself heavily in the stages that I was going through within this. During all of this I as well was smoking marijuana to go deeper into this system I created and to create more of it.

I then started to use colours, symbols, words, positions of items, relevancy to items, purpose of items, so on and so on to give more meaning to my life lolololol. It became my entire world as I started to create and live my world based on these meanings that I was associating with these things, I was creating myself entirely out of and as these meanings. I remember sitting in English class reading Hamlet along with my class and I could not stop myself from creating/relating Hamlet to me and I was thus then attributing parts of hamlet to things that I have gone through, and then I used the story of hamlet to then create a belief about the future of the events that I was relating hamlet to. I could not stop. At first I was only doing this when I was high, soon thereafter I was creating this when I was sober as well. I separated myself from the fact that I was creator of it and controller of it, and then I allowed myself to give up control of it to itself. So it was controlling itself based on and as the pattern that I created it as, and since I separated myself from the system I created, I forgot that I created it, and then I became `controlled` by it although it was always me controlling me through accepting and allowing myself to believe the meanings to be real.

After maybe 6 months or so I started to create a voice for things...you know like what would that thing say if it had a voice..we all have thought it at some point. While high I thought that this voice was real, that I was actually able to communicate through my mind to beings as plants, or a computer or an apple, or almost anything. I then manifested this voice within my physical reality, so like songs saying `you` I would attribute to myself. I thought that the voice was communicating to me through music, telling what happening, or whats about to happen or reasons for things happening...but again it was only me creating this within/as myself and separating myself from it to give myself some belief that I am special or `chosen` etc.

This was all created by me for self-interest driven reasons. It was for me to believe that I am special or significant or blahblah blah blah. Coincidences happened to me all my life and I started to believe that the coincidences are important giving them value that is not there. I cannot think of an example of a coincidence...yes I can one happened today. I am looking for a new jbo and I was wondering if a company that I had previously worked for and would work for again as it provides benefits would post ads on the site that I was on. The next page I clicked...there it was, the company !!!!OUUUUUU lol. I would have given this some magical meaning for the coincidence that existed there, but it doesn’t exist within reality. That meaning of the coincidence that I would give it doesn’t exist within reality...there is no speciality within it, no significance within it, just is...it happens many times in all people’s lives. It is me within me giving a coincidence value and meaning, which it has none of. It only is. It happened nothing significant nothing special, I am still a human here in this world – in this system needing to live and support myself through the means of money within this abusive system. Nothing has changed it is all the same. The coincidence means nothing other than a coincidence. I mean since it became a coincidence there is a consideration of meaning, but if that were to not happen I would have disregarded that thought and then nothing would have come of that simply.

I created that through wanting to make my life special and have meaning. I thus then did so and fucked with myself. I would suggest to anyone who is giving meaning to numbers to stop immediately. Investigate how you are creating these coincidences, or meaning on our own, stop them, remove them and live within breath, not within meaning or ideas. Realize that you are the one creating this...that there is no higher being or power or influence. I created this all myself, separated myself from it and started to believe that it was `more` than me, not realizing that it simply was me. So Question yourself within these beliefs, be self-honest within the moment of a coincidence of who you are within that moment, what you are attributing to that coincidence, how you are creating yourself.