Appearance and Depression

Apr 27^th 2011
Today I was noticing myself dressing myself up for a look, using style to create an image of myself. I got home and undressed from wet clothes from the rain, and thought about what to wear based on the weather outside. It had stopped raining by then and I thought that it was a bit cold, so I got outside and realized that it was not cold but damn humid and sunny. When I put on the clothes first I wore what I thought was appropriate for the weather, and I did not take sunglasses as I realized that it was for an image. So I got outside and it was humid and a bit sunny, sunny enough for me to squint my eyes, so I used that to justify wearing sunglasses as well I changed from my one shirt to a lighter one but it was primarily based on an image...I have many shirts that are light but I chose this one based on a look.

The starting thought for what I am wearing is based on an image based on an idea of `cool` and sex appeal. During the walk here I was staring at a reflection of myself within mirrors and glass to `check up` on this image that I was trying to keep and maintain. I did not go to the utmost extent and wore glasses only when it was necessary due to the sun, and did not wear them inside to maintain that image at any moment so I did not push myself to keep that image but within walking I certainly tried to upkeep that image and judged myself for any minute detail that I did not like and then became insecure based around that idea of myself to which I laughed at myself because I saw that insecurity and how it was affecting me so I stopped that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wear clothes that support an image
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to specifically choose clothes that support an image
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use clothing to support an image instead of using them for functionality based on weather and usage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support the fashion industry by wanting to look like an image instead of using clothing for functionality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowe myself to stare into a mirror to upkeep the image that I try and support as myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become/want to be an image instead of living here within breath as a human as constant movement within/as sound/physicality.

I started to, after a while, correct my actions. When I noticed that I was moving to support an image based on sex appeal I would stop that action and move within functionality, or just not move myself within that aspect, for instance I would move to tuck my shirt into my pants to support sex appeal and when I moved to do this within the thought I stopped and left it the way it was.

At other times I do not stop myself moving within making my appearance appear a certain way based on clothing etc.

I unconditionally apply myself within stopping defining myself as appearance as it is not important in terms of life and will only move within appearance when moving within the system and my life demands it like an interview etc. And stick to breathing

May 1^st 2011

I have not written consistently in the past few days and from this I have been going into a state of depression. I have been sleeping extensively to attempt to escape this depression. I knew this is coming from the lack of writing because I have been giving into resistances to writing, and have not written what I have wanted to written nor have been assisting myself within process. I have been slacking in process not investigating myself for a few days. So I have been falling slowly but surely and have not been pushing myself through resistances.

I have given into resistances in the past few days, and I have not pushed myself through resistances to writing and gave into sleeping. I have been distracting myself from facing myself with television and sleeping.

Within this I did not get out of my depression, I was looking for ways to make myself happier as I dislike the low energy. So I used sleeping and tv to attempt to give myself the `high` energy.

This depression followed me throughout work as well to a point where I wanted to quit extensively like quitting would make me feel better or place stress off of myself.

So this here is a rededication to again writing daily about myself experiencing myself through my day and to apply effective self forgiveness and self corrective statements

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into my resistances
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into resistances towards writing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that writing is a difficult task
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put writing off to another moment
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write within the moment
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write each day
I realize that putting off writing and giving into resistances to writing will only push myself further into falling and in the moment of resisting writing I push myself to write, write whatever comes out, write myself out unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into depression
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not write thus allowing myself to become depressed at applying myself
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed apply and investigate myself unconditionally
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that depression is real
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the energy that I experience is real
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave to energetical movements

I dedicate and commit myself to investigating myself unconditionally, to look at how I have created these energetical movements, and I realize that these energetical movements are not me, and that I have created them, and not subject to them. I stick to breathing in moments of depression and unconditionally apply myself to write myself out when depressed to get the movements of depression out of me and unconditionally apply self forgiveness on the depression points. I realize that depression is useless and I only allow it through allowing energetical movements from highs to low so I unconditionally apply myself sticking to breath as me here stopping myself from moving into my mind believing me to be my mind.