Thursday, February 3, 2011


I was looking at the word support. I was relating to me within the word support. I compared myself to a building. What supports it, is the foundation. So what I relied on is what supported me...I wrote relief before relied as this is a relief to share myself without trying to decieve myself or omit certain things. So in the past I have used girlfriends as support. I have used my mother as support. I have used friends as support. I have created many buildings from each support structure...each support structure is a foundation to a different building that is me as I have defined myself. So I have created different mes around different people, I have created many buildings from each support structure. And what is interesting is that when that support structure is removed we fall entirely. So for instance I was relying on my girlfriend to keep me up, to support me as who `I` was. When she dumped me, everything that I build with her as that foundation crumbled completely. So I fell. Luckily everything that I created with her was a lie of me and it was easy to bring myself back to finding(FOUNDation) me, although it is still a defining of me within a belief of who I am. So I made my world around her and as soon as she removed herself from the world I no longer could continue the world, so it all fell. I no longer had a stablility point, a support point to continue the revolution of the world as me that I was creating. So it all crumbled and I was standing alone trying to find myself again.

The problem with this is that I am still trying to create a world as me. I am not allowing myself to be THIS world, the actual physical reality. I am creating a belief of me around my friends, around my mom, around anything that I use as support, so that I can hold onto that belief of who I am around them

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