Purposeful Diminishment

Feb 22nd 5:26pm 2011


I just woke up from a 4 hour nap. I purposely slept. I got home from work and did not feel right from the perspective of breathing, I was not focusing on breath and I was still in `work` mode. I noticed that watching tv or playing a video game or something like that gets me out of it. I watched some news for a bit and still did not breathe. I thought about laying down and knew if I did lay down I would fall asleep. I purposely layed down. To avoid and hide from myself. I knew that if I slept until a certain time that I would not go to the library. So I slept for that amount of time.

I purposely did this to myself I did not want to face myself today, it must sub or unconscious because I do not see a reason why. I rathered sleep in that moment and did not take responsibility for myself being here. I allowed myself to sleep those hours and purposely kept myself asleep. So there is something that I am hiding from.

I wanted to go to the library today, I wanted to post some shit. I did not know what to vlog about and felt that I could not vlog effectively in that current state of mind. I knew the outcome if I laid down and I did anyways. I have done this with smoking before where I know that the outcome is what it is and yet I will smoke anyways, purposely diminish myself.

Purposely Diminish myself to keep myself enslaved to the inferiority that I believe myself to be. Purposely give up so that I can stay `at the bottom` and not rise above myself I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposely give up on myself to keep myself enslaved. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and escape from the fact that I want to keep myself enslaved. Why have I come to this point and how? I have defined process as incredibly difficult and overwhelming and I do not want t to push myself through the breaking points. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define process as difficult. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define difficult to exist within process. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from difficult and process through defining difficult to exist within process separate from me. I forgive mself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I make process as difficult or as easy as it is going to be, that I am the creator of my own process and I am responsible for myself within process.

I was looking at the phrase `I will make it` in the context of process, transcending the physical etc. I make it, I create myself being `successful` in this process or I make, I create myself `falling` within this process of self-realization. Currently I am making this difficult on myself, and I am making myself less than everything still not realizing that I am equal to everything, as life. I am making myself who I am I am creating myself to fail, I am creating myself to give up on myself when it gets `too tough`. I am not making it meaning that I am not creating myself in equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as less than

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to create myself in equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself give up

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make myself stand

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take absolute and complete control of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make myself equal and one with/as everything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as diminishment and to purposely diminish myself to enslave myself and not realize myself and stand up

I am responsible for my own enslavement, my enslavement is not separate from me. I enslave myself. It is not the minds fault it is not the systems fault it is my fault and responsibility to unslave myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own enslavement. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from enslavement through defining enslavement to exist within the mind, within systems, separate from myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am the systems and I am the mind now and that I have enslaved myself and I am one and equal to my own enslavement as myself, as me.