Saturday, February 5, 2011

Idea of love

So what has been  happening is that I am constantly thinking about having a relationship or agreement with Sally. I am placing myself into my mind in relation with her to the current situation. So for example typing on this computer I would then project myself into a situation where she would be looking at this and reading this or sitting beside me….it is always sharing the experience with the person I have stuck in my mind. I have been doing this a lot recently and applied extensive forgiveness on this this morning. I have this idea of a relationship being absolute happiness = love, and I have held onto this idea/belief for most of my life…since I created the idea/belief within me. So I have been thinking about this because it provides a smile and an energetic happiness that I am addicted to. I have recently been taking on my happiness and this is the epitome of it, relationships and love. So I realize that this relationship and love is a reliance and dependence on another being for support of myself as the belief of who I am as inferiority. Meaning that I hold her as superior to me and create her as a bulding block for me to further define myself as inferiority and that she, as superiority, will stand and support me and the foundation for as me as inferiority. I have started to remove this, I am done with this happiness and joy and bliss shit. I have looked and never found and after watching V for Vendetta I noticed that the idea of love presented in movies and the idea of love accepted and allowed within me vs reality, is a one-sided battle. The idea/belief of love within me cannot exist within reality, the actions are not there, there is absolutely no love within this world…even looking at my relationship with Sally…there is absolutely no love within reality, only self and her, only what is. Ther idea of love that I have been holding onto cannot exist. So for example In V for Vendetta when Evy ends up in the prison and reads the note of a former victim of the prison and the hell that the former victim went through, there is a mention of the word love….”even though I will never see you , I will never meet you, never kiss you, I love you”. And within me at that moment I felt this feeling of complete intimacy as love within and as two people. I have come to define this as love, but it does not exist. As well it is the complete happiness that is associated with love…that no matter what happens there still is love between 2 people….again that is an utter fucking lie within me. I can only love myself because If I depend on another for support as love I will fall infinitely. Because love from another will never hold but love onto self will hold indefinitely. So I have seen this happiness within me when I fantasize about being in a relationship with Sally or, as we have shared ourselves intimately. This idea of love comes up, because again I have been searching for happiness, and noticed that I have been waiting for me to be around Sally again to be intimate with myself. This happens with many females and it is not just with Sally, I am only using Sally as an example because she is the most recent person and most relevant person at the current moment. This idea of love comes from being intimate with Sally on a mental level, We have both shared our most suppressed experience of ourselves. And within that we have allowed ourselves to be intimate, and I have defined that as love…but loving myself is to be intimate with myself unconditionally. The only reason I see and have felt love is because I have defined that experience  condtitional to Sally, or that situation, being in my direct Reality. And again this writing has been about the other. Really it is about me. I am not Life with Sally, I am my life intimacy does not come from another, it comes from me. This is my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live for another being. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct my reality from another. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility to direct my reality. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be me. So I noticed that everything  I did I had another person in mind as if I am living for them…this even happened when I was alone. I communicated with myself rather than a idea of a person. I communicated with the idea of myself and completely separated myself from myself. For example as I cook I usually talk to myself as I am doing that…saying that is enough..or I need more, or I am doing this or that and how is this or that? Shit like that. Anyhow Love is simply not real, The want for another to stand with me for eternity is a lie. I no longer accept this as I give myself away to `love`. I have been looking for love for quite a long time and I am no longer going to look for it I am standing and supporting myself.

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