I am Responsible for This

Yesterday I went into inferiority. It lasted for quite a while knowing that I am not who I thought I was…this has happened before, yet somewhere I allowed it to continue again. This point assisted me a lot within stopping who I thought I was. I thought that I was somewhat stable and in realizing my application of myself I have noticed that this is not true. I feared starting over in my application of myself. I did not want to re-start over as I believed that I made `progress`. I was realizing that everything that I believed myself to be was a lie. I believed myself to be more than what I was believed myself to be on some type of path to myself. I realized this was al a lie, and that this is still a form of god for me. This whole belief of a path is believing that I have free will and that anything that I do is ok because I am on `that path`. I allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself because I thought that everything would be fine because I am on `that path`. So I went into an inferiority point because I saw myself as less than all others, believing myself to have been valueless as what I put value on as myself I realized is a lie. So I saw no value in myself as I did before. I went into a possession of hating myself. I did not want to do anything to assist myself…again I wrote myself out half assedly, not really trying to dive into the point. I felt inferior because I was jealous of other people being stable and me not being stable.


I realized that this inferiority, these beliefs of myself as being less than others is not real. It is all based on personality and who I believe myself to be. As well who I wanted to be. I wanted to be this stable person…so I was separating myself from stabilizing myself. I was believing myself to be what I wanted. I made myself believe that through thoughts and then had to face myself within these thoughts. In that moment I was somewhat accepting and allowing myself to exist like that. I was allowing it but stopped it from time to time, not allowing myself to participate in those feelings and emotions. I realize that I wanted to be like others not focusing on myself but trying to control myself to become like others that I saw as more than me = anybody in process. This is a great misunderstanding of who I am.

I am falling into the experience now as I am believing that my application in process is worthless and that I should not continue. I believe that my words are worthless and should not continue to write. I chose not to vlog today as I allowed this inferiority to take me over. I believe that my voice is worthless and that me standing up is not working. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place worth on my personality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not value myself within/as my words. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to control/direct myself within/as my words. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be stable. I forgive myself fthat I have not accepted and allowed myself to stabilize myself. This whole point is one that I have been struggling with as I enjoy hating myself. I realized that I am addicted to both polarities. I enjoy hating myself as I like taking everything away from myself. I enjoy not giving into any thoughts..I usually will think that I want food and will not give in, I will reject that thought out of hate for myself. I will not allow myself to do anything that will take me out of that feeling. This is a fucked up point as it is not best for me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself in a point of self-hate. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate what I have become. I forgivemyself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make amends with what I have become and correct it/mend it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as this system. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to knowingly continue my time loops. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear removing myself from my patterned self.

This point is not really me. Whatever I believe myself to be inferior for is not real, it is no me. I have been directing myself in the physical. I am focusing on myself, what helps is keeping my head down when walking and focusing on my leg movement and actually moving myself as my legs and with breath. I have allowed this inferiority point to take control of me as I enjoyed being less than. I enjoyed hiding I enjoyed not being seen because within that I did not need to take responsibility as I was being ignored. I enjoyed being ignored because within that no one cared what I did I was allowed to become the worst of me, to involve myself in desires, in whatever pleases me drugs, masturbation, laziness, imaginations, fantasies.. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to expose myself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dive deep into my desires. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ignored. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to expose myself taking full responsibility for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire attention. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself attention. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fantasies within my head, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to involve myself in imaginations. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an imaginary world trying to place it in this world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape this reality by imagining another one. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself within separation that I have literally separated myself from everything. This is definitely going to be a hard process for me as I have created much shit within myself, and have accepted and allowed myself to become the `worst` of this world, fantasizing about rape, death, suicide, murder, Lol the polarity that I act as..I have always accepted and allowed myself to act as this nice, innocent person when in the mean time all of the shit that I have participated within my mind is the `worst` of this world. It is an absolute disregard for what life is. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to absolutely disregard life. I do not accept absolution as that is a word that defines never changing. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to change. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become what I am.

I realize that I cannot reason with myself I cannot debate about this inferiority it is either breathe or be inferior. I cannot convince myself that I am not inferior as everything that I see and have put value on I do not value myself as much as other people and within breath I am disregarding them as who I believe them to be. I disregard my own values and perceptions. They still exist and I do not not care for them as life I just do not care for my own interpretations for who they are I am focused on myself physically and I guide that. This has helped as when I would walk by a person I would not be focused on myself I have focused on them and immediately judged and focused on them and not giving myself awareness. So when I look down and focus on myself I focus on moving my feet focus on moving myself past them and focusing on moving my feet past them. Making sure that I direct me past them, making sure that I do not `stop and stare` giving my perceptions attention.

This helps with videos as well, I usually will look around and distract myself not giving attention to the words spoken, now I breathe and I focus myself on the words and hear their words.