Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Please...Get the fuck out of my way

So the title kind of explains what I am going to write about.
Today that has been my expereince, joining it a tingling in my knees and a not being able to stay still when that feeling occurs. It has been relating to my environment and not being able to stand it. Not being able to stand within it. The knee point in Veno's structural resonance document is the thoughts, personality, knowledge - memory based mind aspects. I have been taking on this point recently in stopping myself from escaping commuting....I have been writing my day out for about a week and noticed a pattern of escape. I have taken on this point and it has been mostly occuring when I am commuting, trying to escape the time/space construct. This is a memory based point as I will always project and fantasize about memories and ideas.

As well I did not allow myself to smoke today. I am taking on the wants = happiness, and the not getting what I want = unhappiness point within myself. I wanted and desires and was tempted to have a cigarette but I did not give in, and was feeling very unwilling to do anything today, I did not want to move, write, watch videos, movies, tv, I just wanted to sit and think, I didn't even want to think, I wanted everything to go and allow myself to escape. I could not stand being here for too long in the environment that I am in. I could not stand the cold for long, I got cold and rushed to get inside when I would walk the dog (molly). Like I could not take it when I got inside, I rushed to get all of my outerwear off and shoes off so that I would not be touching anything cold, sit down and place myself in a comfortable position and sit under a blanket and watch videos, or read articles etc.

There was a point where I made food and went to sit down by the computer and had no place to put my food. I got anxious at `needing` to put my food down and the fact that I could not position everything right the way it was, and position myself within that to set up a comfortable position where I could eat and use the computer made that feeling within myknees come up and I could not stand my environment not `suiting` me, suiting me meaning fitting me in. So I had to stop breathe and move the environment differently. I was about to sweep everything off of the table and just sit, and be done with it. It comes from accumulating not cleaning up after myself. I leave it until I literally cannot put anything more down or whenever I think it is too crowded with shit, then I rearrange or clean up. This time I did not clean up in time and had too much shit scattered, all it took was some rearranging and I was able to set my food down, but again I could not stand the fact that I was not allowing myself to place myself effectively within my environment.

I am forgetting things much more. Usually I have everything I need on me = Wallet, Keys, Cellphone. Recently I have forgotten my keys a few times, when I have needed them. As well as my cell phone. I am relating this to not effecitvely placing my environment around me allowingmyself to have on my what I need.

I do not know exactly where this is stemming from but tomorrow will be another day without a cigarette, and I can check if it comes from that. I am going to start cleaning up after I eat, or use something, and see where that takes me, as there is shit on the table right now, and it is limiting my mobility....That is it. My mobility being limited. The cold I allow it to limit my mobility...not wanting to be cold so I do not move to the point where my skin touches a new part of the jacket, I keep it in one place thus keeping that same place warm and keeping my warmish. So I limit myself within my mobility,through the cold. and the shit on the table is limiting my mobility, Mobile phone so that I am able to connect with people wherever I go and the keys are what allow my to move around more effectively. So again the title of the post was get out of my way, so that I am able to move....Claustrophoic. Cool.

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