My application

I do not like my application of myself and I am not sure where I am moving to. I feel as though I am stuck right now. I believe that I must be doing something. The problem is that I am not taking responsibility still. I am still sleeping far too much. I do not care when I wake up. I have been at this point for a few days now, I do not feel like doing anything other than sitting down and breathing, waiting for the world to come to me. Again a responsibility point. I am not directing my life properly in these past few days.


I have been sleeping in a lot, Not been eating properly, nor allocating time for everything that I would like to do during the day. I have not been able to write effectively, I am looking out of windows, `staring into space` and not focusing on my writing or getting it done. I have been using bullshit words, just to collect space. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bullshit my words. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not apply myself properly when the situations calls for it. I have been simply giving up for the past few days, I have not been applying breath and have been using excused to not get done what needs to be done. I have been fantasizing a lot, been taking myself away from here. I have not been directing myself. Within all of this I have lost my position. I have lost where I was/am. I do not know where I am right now, I have been simply following along waiting for life to come to me, instead of bringing life to me, directing my life.

The few points that I am stressing about is my writing, my vlogging, sleeping/responsibility, and my care. I have been slacking in my writing..I have not been looking at the entire point, only small points within the point, and within that I have not been able to write very much on the subject and I distract myself quite a bit. I am judging myself for this because I have put value on sticking to this, and if I am not then what the fuck am I doing here? I am judging myself for this because I know that I can put in the effort yet am allowing myself to distract myself and not write effectively. My vlogging is basically the same thing, I have been vlogging but not directing myself within vlogging, It has been scattered and I do not know where to direct it. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself within my writing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself through/as writing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slack within my application of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be strict with myself, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to look at this without judgment.

I have been slowing down with my writing and been sleeping more. I have not been taking responsibility for writing out a point or vlogging out a point. I have been resisting writing and within this I have been bullshitting my words. I have been thinking a lot forgetting about breath. I feel like myself was going nowhere and that writing myself out had to be planned. I noticed that when it was planned I could look at a point much easier and take it on much easier, and that when It wasn’t planned that I had no direction and spewing bullshit. So I started to plan things again…I still gave up a bit on my application of myself, as I felt like things weren’t going anywhere. I am fantasizing about my life, and where it will go. I have not been placing myself here taking responsibility for being here.

This most certainly has gone on for too long, My responsibility is slacking and I am going to take care of that, I can only do this within breath. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breath and direct myself. This responsibility point has been eating at me and I cannot allow this to continue. I am going to write everyday, even if I have not planned it, the not planning is still a plan. It is still a direction. For the most part I do not know what to write about, believing that I must write something extraordinary, or take on a point or something like that and I have noticed that I have not shared my life too much. That is something that I am going to start to do, I have basically been sharing emotions and feelings.