Desiring Sex

Through writing this out desiring sex for me is a feeling of intimacy, comfort, and relief. Comfort from being comfortable enough around another to be able to have sex with them. Sex for me has revolved around a feeling of comfort with another individual. That I feel comfortable enough with them as me to be able to have sex with them. It is a feeling of letting go, that I no longer need to hold myself back around them because they `know me` enough in order to allow myself to `let my dick hang out`. Usually around people I hold back myself, I do not speak too much I do not let myself voice myself In every/any moment. So when I believe and have the idea that someone knows me well enough that I can voice myself in any moment I become comfortable around them, and allow myself to actually be.


Within desiring sex I desire that FEELING of comfort, it is not real and it is just an idea and belief of this other know me well enough that I no longer need to hide. And this is what I desire, the ability to not hide myself around another person. I usually am trying to place a perception of myself within/as an idea of I am a type of idea. Like I am smart, I am strong minded, I am likeable, things like that. So within having sex I become comfortable around an individual that I no longer need to hide myself or try to create an idea about myself and project it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an idea, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live as life and discover myself as life.

When I desire sex I desire those feelings as again as I have previously stated in my blog that it comes from a polarity point. I used masturbation to comfort me when I felt uncomfortable, so I have desired that feeling within sex when I feel uncomfortable. When I feel uncomfortable I think about ways to get that comfort back, and I have desired the opposite feeling of uncomfortable, which in a moment I would be feeling, I would then think of something that provides comfort and then desire it and try to attain it. A memory came up of the past when I would come home from school… I would think about masturbating when I got home and would get happy and lose myself in my own cocoon of myself. This happened because the whole time during school I would feel uncomfortable with myself, within trying to be something that I am not, trying to be an idea of how I want to be perceived, and trying to maintain that the whole day was quite uncomfortable with me…I had to be `on guard` the entire time and had to watch everything that I would say and do to maintain that Idea/perception of myself. So when I stopped this which was on the way home I wanted to make myself comfortable…and in past masturbation would make me feel comfortable so I turned to that and through the accumulation affect I became addicted to masturbation, because each time I went out in public I made that Idea perception of myself and tried to maintain and act as it, never letting myself be me, so when I would have time to myself I would masturbate to try and gain that comfort back. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to maintain an Idea/perception of myself so that other would perceive me as that IDea/perception. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use masturbation as a form of comfort, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel comfortable I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself feel uncomfortable. I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to compromise myself by believing that I need to be an idea/perception so that others will like me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be an Idea/perception so that I can try and make other people like me.

Intimacy revolves around the same thing and desiring sex, is related to desiring a relationship. Within intimacy, I like the physical touch with another and I rarely allow myself to do that, I rarely allow myself to feel the physical around me. So within desiring sex there obviously is that ability to absolutely touch another person, kiss another person, hug another person. I desire this because of the intimacy it provides as well as a comfort level, that within intimacy one must be comfortable. Within intimacy I desire being able to hug and hold another whenever I please. I mean in this society many individuals resist having a stranger hold and hug them because they don’t `know` them and are not comfortable with their knowledge of them…this knowing is a knowing of personality, of how they act of how they think, of how the move etc. Within sex there is obviously an intimacy and I desire that feeling in moments where I feel alone and unwanted which again is not real. That intimacy allows me to hold and hug and kiss another, and that is also what I desire, that ability to hold another when WANTED, that ability to have someone absolutely close, instead of creating a false distance around another. Within intimacy I allow myself to be again, that I allow myself to move and hold another when wanted. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire holding another being. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be intimate with myself, to hold myself, to feel me as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that intimacy only comes from another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire intimacy with another being. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a physical touch of another human, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that all physical touch is equal….I have hugged a tree when I wanted a hug and it provided the same `feeling` of intimacy, intimacy is an idea of how one can be with another in terms of `letting go`.

Relief, Within sex obviously there is climatic relef, but this is an energetic experience, when writing this out previously I realized that I have not allowed myself to be physically intimate with myself, so I masturbated with no pictures or thoughts or projections, just touch, and once I climaxed, I noticed that there was no relief, which there usually is when masturbating with energy. So relief is just an energetic experience related to letting that energy go, which is why most people masturbate or fuck when stressed to let that stress go, which is not a self-expression.

Thank you, Paul Quessy.