Sleep and Motivation

Today


Today I woke up for work very tired and very unmotivated. I woke up and ate food, and was debating with myself on whether or not to bike to work to give myself a bit more time because I slept after my alarm went off for an extra ten minutes. I decided to bike and a half an hour left before I had to leave I still felt tired and slept for an extra 20 minutes so I could gain a bit more sleep before work. I woke up and called in sick to work because Idid not want to work, and I have been sick for the past few days. After I called in sick I fell asleep again and slept for 8 hours. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself on the time that I sleep. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I MUST sleep for 4-6 hours or I am `bad`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that applying myself is a good thing. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that applying myself is what is best for me within giving myself time to do the things that I need to do within a day. The sleep point and waking up is a point that I look for motivation within. As I was waking up I thought about buying cigarettes and noticed that I woke up within that moment. My eyes were open and I was ready to `take on` the day. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that each day will be a struggle for me. I used cigarettes as amotivating point to get up. It is a desire point. Like I sometimes use coffee as a motivator to get up, so I can enjoy a coffee or a cigarette. As I think about work right now I want to sleep so that I do not have to face myself within thinking about work as a struggle. I use sleep to escape my belief that it is a struggle to stay alive…and it is. We all must struggle each day to make money to survive. We must all struggle to find points within our lives that provide us stability within having the ability to provide sustenance for our physical bodies. I have been using desire and wants to motivate myself to get up in the morning and the participate in the world. This is a going to be the point that I will work on which is moving myself to apply myself effectively within each moment to get up and move myself within the world. To get up I look for something `worth` living for…something that I can enjoy in this world so that I am more willing to move myself around this world. And I have experienced the point where I will sleep in when I do not find a point that I can `live for` to get up. To wake up is to live. And I do not want to live if it is for nothing. I believe that my application is nothing. As I have not seen anything that I put value in, and that is true. I mean I do not masturbate any more but I do not put value in it because there is no value within it. The value within it is the fact that I no longer participate in masturbatory illusions or projections and thus not supporting the porn industry or the sex industry. Value and getting up are going to go hand in hand. I will have to value myself in my application of myself to get up, so that I will live for myself and not a motivator so that I can value myself in life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value cigarettes and coffee. I forgivemyself for accepting and allowing myself to place value outside of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for value to motivate myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value desires and wants. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value life. Each time I wake up I will not look for value outside of myself but move myself as breath and just get up. Not living for anything other than myself within breath bearth. As I get up I will move myself to do the things that I need to do within this world to place myself effectively within this world. I will not look for motivation to get up. I will forgive myself for using anything to motivate myself. Now there is no energy of `YES I will do this and this will make me better and this is what I must do and this is going to be good because I am going to do it`…..I am just going to do this. No energy required just movement. I used to get this energetic movements within myself when I would write things like this but not now. It is only I will do this. No motivation of becoming perfect no motivation other than myself as life….Interesting.