Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Ok so new start

I have not been using a blog for the usefullness that can come from it=writing out your day!
So I am going to do that when I want to write about my day or an experience.

God work I am struggling through. There is a point within me where I do not want to be there, I do not want to face the entirety of working. I am in and out, mostly out, of awareness. I did not want to face myself when working in its entirety. There is a point of immense discomfort, to the point where I feel like crying and giving myself up to someone to help me. It is a complete point of submission to this world and my mind.
So I was working and I had this complete feling of being alone, that I had no time to myself, that I had to live my life this way not doing what I would like to do, and no self-expression and no `love`. I did not want to be there in that moment, so I was continually projecting myself into situations, situations that would feed me anger, and loathing of myself projected onto other people. Situations that would make me `feel better` by making another feel down, and I woudl do this by attacking their ego. This is bullshit and I am not taking responsibility for myself within working. I do not like working, I think about the start and when I am done, and feel hopeless within time contraints. That I am limited within my expression and movements to becoming this job for the next few hours that I work. It sucks and that thought is the thought that I want to `break down and cry` within. I want to submit myself to someone else for absolute help and assistance.

That is a large point for me. I have not participated in SRA but I gathered the information of underwear being connected to the core of the unconscious or something like that. I placed my underwear in three categories all revolving around comfort. comfortable, comfortable to sleep in and wear, and uncomfortable. Comfort is a large part for me and I have defined love as comfort so Love is completely attatched to it. I have started to face this point slowly and started applying self love, but I find it difficult because The system has a large point of self loathing within it and Me allowing it I trap myself completely within that. So I need to stop hating myself.

I have hated myself because I do not be what I expected myself to be. I hate myself because I have expectations of myself. I do not allow myself to simply be and live as that. I am constantly trying to control myself within my actions through and as my mind, within morality, belief of responsibility, perceptions, and expections of all that I want myself to be. And when I do not see myself as that I start to hate myself. I just breathed because I was becoming stressed and anxious about these feelings and they immediately went away. I am comfortable with self I am uncomfortable within looking outside for comfort. Xomfort can only and truly only exists as me, as myself, as my body, as my life, as my love for me, within self honesty of being here and only for myself. Not looking for anything outside of myself but to just be me here, and love me here I become comfortable. I look outsde for comfort I fall and I look to fall in love, which is deceptive because it cannot last...outside it cannot last inside it can. I cannot express love onto others the way I want it to be done unto myself. I must love myself by placing myself here. I have looked for love outside. Therefore I cannot love others when they look for it outside. I can only love myself here and show them how to love themselves without wavering by helping them place themselves here and live. Self love is what i need to establish. And now thinking about work I am not here and I am not loving myself and I felt that anxiety towards working and I placed myself here within breath and I soothed myself calmed myself down and expressed love towards myself. It is realxing. I enjoy it. Projecting is fucked up. I only allow the shit that I do not want within my life when I project. When I am here there is love, there is calm, there is no fear, there is only here.
And I still say fuck love from others LOL fucking and making love are the same things=sex so go fuck yourself if you love me.

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