Sleep, Childhood, Forgiveness

Tiredness and sleep


This morning I was resistant to waking up and moving myself to get out of bed out of wondering what will I do in the moments ahead. That I have nothing to do so I will sleep. But I moved myself out of bed had a shower wrote down some obvious bullshit ate a bowl of cereal sat down on my couch to read and felt incredibly tired. Tired because this was all that I “had” to do. I did not direct myself within and as an objective to do. SO I accepted this tiredness and acted upon it and slept. I ate another bowl of cereal to try and stimulate myself to gain energy to actually do something and “wake up”. I did not move around and look for things to do in the physical which was an idea I had so that I could move myself as here in every moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel tired when I have nothing to do. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to act upon physical movements and move myself in the physical rather than existing in my mind.

The point of inferiority came up when I was a child. I was not invited to play a game of running around and getting chased by girls to get kissed. I sat on the edge of the playground and sat in depression. This also came from a point of being beaten as a child that I will not express myself or speak or act as myself through fear of being hurt. I accepted that I was not wanted to play and just sat there and I cried a tear or 2. That I would not express or act in which that I wanted to do but waited for them to come and talk to me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a wimp. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to act on what I want to do and to participate in what I want to do. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself through being physically hurt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being physically hurt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will be limited when I am hurt physically. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to other people. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as myself and act upon what I can do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am fucked. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself within believing that I am fucked. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself distract myself with food. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe/say that I am a psycho. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify myself calling myself psychotic by thinking that well other people are psychotic aswell. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify myself within comparing myself to others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am inferior to others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be like other people. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be here now as myself within/as self directive principle.