Friday, November 19, 2010

Another day

I cannot think of anything else to write in the titles other than a day...I suppose its because that is what I am writing about, another day for me. I suppose if I was thinking about a specific experience that would be the title, but its not.

Today During the first hour of work I was completely pissed off at myself. I attribute this to sleep too much even though I consider it not too much. I slept I think 6 hours or just under. Anyhow I wanted to sleep much less and test myself that way, Before I fell asleep I said to myself I am going to get up when I wake up. Because I did that the past 2 days and only slept three hours and was fine. I was tired but that was because I was not moving my body. I was sitting and watching videos on youtube. I was not moving which helps keep me awake, and not fall into mindful shit, where I get, swamped and start to drowse. So I got pissed off at myself because I woke up at the 3 hour mark but decided to sleep more because I did not want to wait until I had to work in the morning. I did not want to apply any intelligence within awareness, to find anything to do. I was lazy and I fell back asleep. I woke up again at the 4 hour mark and decided to sleep in more becuase of the same reason. I woke up just before my alarm went off, and I decided to get up them. There have been points where I will sleep until the alarm goes off, relying on the alarm to wake me up instead of me:) So I got pissed off at that because I gave into laziness which I really need to move past, because that was my main limitor when going to school is self-interest and laziness towards work, and I am not going to allow that to limit me when participating in ITD.

So FUCKING interesting. I just remembered that I got over that frustration and anger towards myself by placing myself within and as my feet, feeling the ground, the shows, the flexibility of the shows, the friction between them and the ground and immediate a smile came to my face, and I became happy. I remembered that the physical is the best solution to everything mental. It works perfectly and I felt self love in that moment. I felt myself and Smiled! It was cool, although I participated in energetics in that expereince. So I doubt the love was "real" although the reason came from a different state, the physical rather then mental. I have felt love for myself before for beliveing in myself, which is a lie, I haven't smiled before for feeling my feet. so again interesting for me. I tested it previously when I remembered--placed myself in and as my feeling and my feet and i smile. its nice. That is the comfort that I need and the one I want is the one that is devious and deceptive coming from and as myself, looking outside for that shit, and not within.

So I want to share myself being here. I have finally found myself. I never knew what I was! I always was trying to find myself and in psychosis I tried so damn hard and only created mroe and more beliefs of myself. All were lies. Anyhow I was reading Oshos book on intelligence and he wrote something about becoming a witness to your body and mind, separating yourself from both and you find yourself. So I did it within that moment and found myself. Never before have I been aware of that much of my body. I used to place myself only within a specific point in my body as the mind, and that was the limit of my awareness. Now I can focus on many things at once. It is interesting to because as I do this I separate myself from my eyes, and I do not look around a lot. I can be aware f anything and everything of myself and every moment. I enjoy it immensely, because I have beens searching for so damn long to find myself and tried to change my beliefs........PSYCHOSIS there is a lyric that goes along the lines of your never change you only change your name. That had a large influence on me but I still tried to change my definition within hearing that phrase and placing it onto myself. And that was true, I was just changing a belief/name of myself and never really finding/changing myself. Changing from the perspective of not being a belief anylonger. What is realy interesting is that psychosis and `useful` meanings revolve around the band, certain bands I allow to fuck with my more within their lyrics, not sure why but it is something worth investigating. I mean my value of the band came from after psychosis, it wasn't lke I had a predetermined value supporting whether or not they would be `effective` in helping me. So I removed it all and started directing myself anyhow. K so for example the band Tokyo Police Club I liked until I ecperienced psychosis listening to their cd. Now I dislike them I have associated a malicious intent within their music. And the band that the previous lyric came from (Arcade Fire) I did not like as much until I started listening to their lyrics. So I will start to investigate that.

Anyhow back to the point of finding me....During the last half of the paragraph I was not here, I was remembering my psychosis. I place myself away ( I typed aware before away) from `myself`. I place myself away from my body and I become within my body, not my body but within, and I experience no energetics in relation to my mind, and thoughts, not liek I would when I would directly participate within it and place myself within it. There are still points where I place myself within my mind=Conversation, reading, actually a lot of things, the only time I am able to stop and remove myself from mind and body is when I am sitting and inactive when my movements are minimal so that I can focus easily. This is a point that I will have to work on, to place myself here within EVERy moment.

So I jump a lot but they are all kind of relevant, not absolutely relevsant but somewhat.

Enjoy..Become a witness to yourself then you can guide and control through and as the mind. Very neat.

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