Inferiority construct.

Depression


I am depressed right now because I was expecting to hang out with friends but that did not happen. I am believing myself to be inferior. I did not get the attention/Energy that I wanted. I must change this and say fuck it to friends. They must go. I must remove them, I will. I felt like shit until I stood up for not having friends or anyone in my life that I will rely on to assist me as my personality. I will stand here for/as myself and rely only on myself.

Amy.

I only believe I was rejected by Amy, All that I can go on is that she took me off her friends list. Again I felt rejected so I acted as a superiority construct to protect/defend my personality. But nonetheless I know how I acted and I realize that I have been needy and that I was relying on Amy for entire support, because I had no one else. I cannot do that for 1 allowing an agreement to bloom, and 2 It is not self honest. Self honesty would to be take myself here and participate as myself here knowing that I can only be here by myself and that I am the only person that can actually support myself. I do not know if Amy rejected me, All I know is that she took me off her friends list. That is all that happened, that is all I can go on, no beliefs of what she is thinking no assumptions. I am thinking what am I going to do about all this shit. All I can really do is forgive live the forgiveness and breath here in everymoment possible and then see where I do not go and push myself to go.

I am experiencing frustration towards myself for not being able to be here the way that I am with having a cigarette. As well I am looking for a god to show that I am trying. Another being a higher being to show that I am doing this…I am good which is all a fuck up. I am distracting myself sell with thoughts of being around people or having company because of the fear of being alone because of the energy that I get from being around other people, but that is a lie aswell because they cannot give me energy I create it within myself, its just minds supporting eachother when around other people and the support only comes from the individual mind. I support myself when I am around other people believing that they are supporting me. I Support myself by believing that this is who I am when around people and I am around them for acceptance and that acceptance supports my belief of who I am, through accepting my being that “way”. I would be no matter what, because I have programmed myself to be this way and so “I” found people to support my belief, but that can no longer exist it all must go. I feel better writing myself out and now I am focusing a bit more on myself here.

So I want to smoke and I am testing myself why and it is to remove this discomfort of changing myself. I am quite tired because of not facing myself here in the physical

Is it a good idea to have a smoke right now, I would be giving up, I will enjoy it, I will fall, I will give into my mind for comfort. I will not. It is not a good idea.

Within falling I take responsibility for myself, I no longer say hey look what I can do but I become here and take responsibility for it.

This process is about me here. Not about what I want to become not about what I desire or my wants or anything. It is HERE about what I have participated within/as my mind. It is about removing my participation within and as my mind. It is about how I am participating in situations within my mind and why I participate the way I am and forgiving that participation and removing the continuation of that participation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be somewhere else than I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing the physical. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with the physical to not face what I have accepted and allowed myself to be in the past generating it here.

Fuck, lots of reactions to posting this. The first one the came up was disliking myself for not following myself and not standing consistantly on my principles. I feared that people reading this would then dislike me as well and I would be excluded. I have excluded certain parts of me from being faced. I have not put my face to them, I have not allowed myself to be them and having the ability to change them. I am still not compete, still seperate in a way. So I am still not stable as self and comfortable as self, still looking for that acceptance from others. The second reaction was that of my interaction with females. I act completely different around females, I am more open and honest. I do not bullshit AS much. That point with Amy was a part that I had to work through. I was participating as inferiority towards and with her. I participate with inferiority with females so that I can find some `support`. So a point of inferiority just existed when I saw the name Amy. Neat how that works. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate as inferiority with females. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be equal to all, female and male. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the female/male, construct. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself here. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as myself for myself by myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire someone who I believe is superior to me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others are superior to me. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live equality.