Monday, October 18, 2010


Protecting my Personal Interests.

This is a case of justifying my actions in general. MY personal interests are to have a girlfriend mainly for support, love, comfort, validation, sex. So yesterday I allowed myself to send Amy a message of self-honesty, and I checked the starting point and even within the words that I spoke I noticed that I was not trying to allude to anything but came out straightforward and blunt. But I allowed myself to justify my actions prior to that when I was thinking about how I would be able to manifest a point where I would allow myself to talk to her. Aswell each time I were to go onto facebook and think about messaging her I would freeze up and not move, I checked my starting point within this and realized that it was out of self-dishonesty, but I froze through fear of expressing myself honestly towards her. I fear expressing myself honestly in any situation because It is not how I have programmed myself to be and therefore I will not get the results that I desire. That is fucked up, that I fear not getting my desires, that I use fear to justify not getting my desires, interesting and complex!

External Comfort

I smoke to gain a form of comfort that I become comfortable with myself. I am normally (without any influence) uncomfortable with myself because I judge myself a lot and as a Child I judged myself from other people. I had an outtie belly button and I saw everyone else with an innie so I judged myself as inferior because I was different. So I pulled my bathing suit above my belly button so others wouldn’t see it and judge me. I judged myself in the moment as inferior because I was different than other people. I continue to judge myself based off of other people, I look at them and judge myself as I think that they look good so I look bad, They are “gooder” than me=inferiority. And within that I notice that I belief myself to be bad, that I am a bad kid…Childhood again, My parents would Beat me and use fear to direct me to doing what they wanted me to be/do. So that infected me quite a bit, the physical abuse did, to believe that I was bad and that I was a troubled child. MY childhood had interesting points of fuckedupedness, there was a point where I fucking got down on my knees and started to pray that a thunderstorm to stop because I was afraid of dying. Another point I saw a car coming head on towards us, and all I did was ask calmly “are we going to die”, I was willing to accept that my life was in control of another=the driver=My father, and that he had control on whether I lived or died. But as well I was willing to accept my death. I was not afraid in that moment. No fear arose, I stayed calm.

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