Saturday, October 16, 2010

My writings

Over the past months I have been writing in a word document titles continuing process. Here are a few. These are obviously not relevent to the present but I thought I would share anyhow. I will post all in chronological order over a period of time, they are not dated though.

How I am acting

I am still sitting on the fence of what I want to do and it comes out in all of my actions, and thoughts. For example of smoking. I have not had a cigarette in a week or less, but yet I entertain the thought of having a cigarette. I think about how I could get smokes, or how I could just have one smoke, or how a smoke would feel so nice in the moment. All I am doing right now is talking, I am not acting upon what I want to become, I am not changing I am not putting, living as the effort that I want to become as. I am not applying myself as knowledge to the situations that I deal with, nor in any/every moment.

I am abdicating my responsablitiy as life to speak up about what I know, about what can be done. There are a few things that I have started to apply, but it is just a try not an effective stance for what I want to become. I sit here in self-loathing because I dislike myself for not putting in the effort I see being put in by other people. I am defining my expectations of myself to become what others are like, which is out of dishonesty. I look at what other people are and wanting myself to be like them, because I like what they are. I hate myself!? And I want to be someone that I like. I am separating myself by wanting to be other people. I Will establish self as here as/within direction. I will be who/as I am and not how I perceive others want me to be or how I want others to perceive me. I will not act as others. I will not expect myself to be others. I will be and direct myself accordingly. I will value myself as self, I will disregard my wants of other peoples acception. I will apply effort into what I want to become. I will not stress myself out over not achieving what I want but I will continue to apply myself towards my goal.

I have created a habit of talking, thinking, writing about what I want to do but never applying myself in honesty, or awareness. I have let go of my awareness, I have forgotten about what needs to be done. I have forgotten about what is here. I have forgotten myself existing here. I have created a lot of comfort, and feelings of security in my mind within my thoughts. I will remove my want of comfort. I look for comfort within food, especially coffee, smoking, friends, sleep, things that will keep my mind active.

Talking to myself

I create conversations in my head about things that I am doing. I will place myself as myself in another persons perspective and judge myself within my actions. Or I will judge myself within giving my actions to other people i.e. thinking about another person seeing my artwork and “them” judging “me” on it. It is all me judging myself, coming from a starting point of inferiority, thus wanting acceptance so I can like myself as myself. I have ran from myself for so damn long that I have no idea where I reside, where I make decisions, where I exist. I act through my opinion of myself projected from another persons’ perspective. I am not submitting to this. I will stand as myself for myself for what I will will myself to become. I will apply my perspective onto situations and become that, become myself, live as myself.

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