Hating myself, Supportation Comfort

Hating myself


At times when I fall or when I realize I have fallen I become angry at myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall. I start to go into self-loathing because I believe I have done something wrong/terrible/unforgiveable. So I apply SF yet I do not live the word Forgiveness. I have been using SF to put my responsibility into/as air/sound, because I am using the action of SF to take responsibility away from me. But I have learnt that I have been doing that and have gradually applied myself as forgiveness. An easy way to check if you are trying to take away responsibility is to check your starting point of Self forgiveness. If you start SF with a thought of “that was bad I will apply SF” then flag that. Another easy way is checking if you apply SF for positive thoughts/feelings/emotions aswell. Back to the point of hate. I hate how I am around other people, how I abuse myself with emotions and feelings to try and obtain something out of self-interest be it Attention, Sex, Relationship, Ego boost, I use feelings and emotions to try and manipulate other people to accept themselves to help get me these things. I hate myself aswell for only acting on me, and not having a true value for other people as life, or myself as life. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself or others as life. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value life. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value all life equally. I hate my personality in general, because It is not how I want to be and I do not like how I act as a personality. I dislike this because I know I am dishonest, I know I am not living what is best for all. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to become other people.

Smoking and the Wanting to be seen as progressive syndrome.

When I say to others that this is what I am going to do, and in the end I do not live it, I do this because I want to be seen as doing good for myself and support that perception of myself by telling others that this is what I am doing, So I can gain validation for my self belief of being good, doing good for myself. So when I tell myself or others that I am stopping smoking I do this for a perception of myself to be supported, A self definition to gain validation/acceptance/support for.

Comfort of my self-definition.

Lindsay said that without her sugar she fears who she will become, and that assisted me in seeing that we use substances to support ourselves within who we have defined ourselves as and we use that to get a comfort of who we are when we use a supportive substance. For me it is sugar, smoking, over-eating. I use these things to support my self-definition of who I believe myself to be. I use these as support points of comforting myself in who I have become. “This is who I am and I am not who I am without this” “ I am not who I am without smoking” “I am not who I am without sugar” “I am not who I am without a girlfriend” “I am not who I am without friends”. Those are beliefs that I have situated within/as myself that support myself definition and provide a certain comfort of being my personality.