Saturday, September 4, 2010

Another Today

Today I have been "Numb" to a lot of things but an interesting point has emerged and that within the numbness I do not judge people as much. I recognize them but I do not process them through my mind. I niether enjoyed or hated the experience, it just was me lookin into myself, looking at myself, noticing my movements, directing myself. I had to focus on looknig within/as rather than looking outwards then guiding my movements as such. For example: the people are there so I will move where they are not, and today I was I am here and I will move myself there. Self directiveness vs Environment directiveness.

Another thing that I did notice was that I was not focused on breath, I was not aware of my feet stepping on the ground. I was just directing myself from self but not being self=I was still in my mind just not focused on other people just on myself. I was not directive in every moment either, I knew what I needed to do so I directed myself there and not within every step. I directed only my starting point and not myself within/as every moment, movement.

I did not process much through my mind, only what really stuck out, HA, like cleavage or an odd act, or an act that I saw as fucked. I was numb because I started the day with stopping myself from not taking responsibilityfor what I had to do within the day to move my life in the direction I need to go. So Within that I notice, from my pattern, that I would have been completely unhappy today because I would have been looknig for support everywhere but finding it nowhere, I would have spiraled into depression and been a complaining little shit. So I stopped a starting point for my day and did not create a new one so I had no typical emotion or feeling to guide me through the day, which is good because they are limitors but I still limited myself within feeling numb.

That was/is my experience for today and I now know that I must apply directive principle within and as every moment here and focus on breath guiding my movements without thought.

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