Standing and Falling

Today was a very interesting experience. I quit smoking for 2 days prior to today. I smoked today, fell into my mind, thinking that smoking is a terrible things and that I will not be able to pull myself out of this. I believed falling to be the worst thing possible within this world. I was willingly accepting falling. I knew that I could stop myself from buying a smoke, but I am stubborn on this subject, so I allowed myself to smoke because I wanted it. So that was what I was going through when I started to smoke again.

Within watching the videos provided by Sunette and Matti, I believed that I should stop smoking, that I should be a certain way, That I should be the "way of Desteni". This is a lie. Nonetheless within quitting or stopping smoking I allowed myself to see what I really am caring for, which is self interest. So I went back and forth within standing and falling. Each time I had a cigarette I would stand back up and stop smoking, I suppose I did not stop but only resisted. So I would smoke then resist than give in and resist somemore. I stopped then I was around my friends and I gave in then to smoking because "SO what? they are smoking aswell". I would will myself to stop again, then I would give in because I wanted one.

I am going back and forth through these allowances. I decided to stop smoking even though I was around my friends. I was tempted a few times and even tempted to smoke weed but I didn't give in since I said fuck them I am me I have to decide what I am going to do within life. I stood up and still have not smoked even though I have wanted one.