Monday, August 9, 2010

Falling when Communicating

When I am around my friends, family, or anyone that I think "knows" me I allow myself to fall. They know my personality, they know their definition of me.

Today I smoked after self-willing myself to stop and to stop thinking and wanting a cigarette. I was with my sister, I noticed that I was not giving into my personality. I feared being judged by my sister as "bad" or "different" so I allowed my personality to come through. I allowed it to come through by falling within smoking. I smoked because I thought that that would help me communicate easier with my sister, because she knows me by how I communicate/act. I was not acting as my "normal" self, so I allowed myself to act within my personality construct to communicate the way I think I should communicate. I did this because I wanted a form of support through talking about my feelings, emotions, and I wanted the words of "It will be okay, I am here for you". I realize that this is dis-honesty because I am only here for me.

This is a point in which I can focus on within my process. Standing up around people that I think "know" me, so I can see my fears of changing and the "unknown" of me. I know I can stand up and all it takes is self-will which I have been applying effectively for a while. I will look at each point within fear of changing my personality.

Why do we seek enjoyment out of life while others suffer. We do not seem to acknowledge any other life within the Mind. We only focus on what we want, what we desire, what we "need". Within acknowledging that there are people in this moment that are suffering your wants, needs, desires, become irrelevant. As I live life as all life, and move as all life, I stop my participation in what I think I need, or what I want. I exist as the physical without any complaints about life. I can work without a perception of "this is shit". I can remove my fears of self. I can breath in honesty and be self directive.

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