Sunday, February 5, 2012

2012 Fearing others and Allowance of Self-Sabotage

 I have feared standing up to others for a lot of my adult life. In this I see myself as less than all others and in this I always consider my perspective as inferior to another’s, allowing myself to submit myself and become a subordinate. The fear that I experience is in relation to being yelled at and confronted in conflict, meaning that when standing up, such as asking a person to clean up I react in fear because of a possible lashing out and me not wanting to deal with it.

This fear relates to a certain type of person. My sister has that type of person who is really hard to work with due to a reactiveness that I do not want to deal with. I fear asking her to help me out at anytime because of her reactions towards such suggestions. I find it hard to work with her and in that I fear standing up to her because when working with her I am thus then reliant on her participation wherein she is able to exist in spite immediately if she chooses to. In this I fear standing my ground as I fear her then causing the entirety of the situation to blow up, for example I asked her to drive me home one night and convinced her to do so. We had to stop and get gas and she asked if I could pump the gas. I said no because I saw this point as laziness on her part, then she utilized the point of her driving me home to use guilt that I have decided to not pump the gas for her…It is not her that causes guilt but it is the attempt to do so, I responded that she is using guilt to manipulate me into pumping gas. All the while I was speaking in a high pitched tone and laughing to conceal my fear of standing my ground in not pumping the gas for her. What I was fearing here is bluntly stating no I am not pumping the gas for you in the fear that I liked a ride home and did not want to walk, thus feared standing up and stating myself, through the fear of a reaction from my sister being told no and throwing a `fit` of anger resulting in an action of spite.

I was looking recently at how I was accepting and allowing this and why I was continuing to accept and allow this as myself. I accept myself as a subordinate so that I can expect more from others than from what I equally put in. Through accepting myself as a subordinate I can say that others should put in more effort than what they are doing because I am somehow less than others, and in this I expect things from others of that which I am not willing to do myself, which is unfair and existent within inequalities, which are ugly as this world system is showing us now.

In the aspect of the fear, I fear standing up to another because then I will see myself as an equal, and in that having to stand up for myself in taking equal responsibility, and in that not allowing myself to judge others for doing what they are doing, because when I allow myself to exist in the perception of myself as an inferior or subordinate I then allow myself to judge others and be harsh on others for not `pulling their part` or for whatever action that they do, not allowing myself to stand equal to them, focusing on my own actions and directing myself within/as the situation.

So through accepting myself as a subordinate I accept myself judging others and expecting more from them than what I am willing to put in, and in the fear I accept myself as a subordinate furthering the allowance of myself of judgment and inferiority projecting superiority, and using the fear as a justifier for keeping myself in the position that I am accepting myself in the position of. Thus myself fearing standing up is only my acceptance of myself in the perspective of an inferior/subordinate so that I can keep myself judging others and expecting more from them than what I am willing to put in and in that allow myself to become lazy and have others do the work that I should be equally participating in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear to justify my positioning of myself as inferior to others so that I can remain lazy and rely on others to do work for me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others to take responsibility for me, and in that fear standing up in my Response Ability
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place responsibility for myself outside of myself, as separate from myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want another to take responsibility for myself and in that remaining lazy, not allowing myself to take responsibility for myself, allowing myself to exist in fear of responding to another allowing myself to remain an inferior to another all so that I do not need to put in the effort that I must in order to take responsibility for myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to focus on myself and only myself taking my own responsibility for my actions, directing my own actions, remaining constant with my own dedication towards myself and live as an example
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push my own wants and desires within/as information and knowledge onto others.

In this The only point that I am able to focus on is myself and my own actions and who I am in my own actions. I am not able to direct another person, I am only able to direct myself one and equal to the situation. I do not allow myself to use fear to continue the way that I have been living in pushing myself onto others, and expecting more from them than what I am putting in myself. I stop limiting myself in my response ability due to fear.

I only focus on directing myself in and as the situation, doing what is best for me, not fearing being direct and asserting myself in equality.

1 comment:

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