Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Giving the Finger to life and The Consequences

Mar 2nd 2011 2:35pm

I just got done watching the video Get real, stay Real, Be Physical and I would like to share my experience of that which Sunette is talking about in regards to willingly giving up and participating in dishonesty `giving the finger to life`. A year ago I went into a relationship knowingly participating in dishonesty as love as happiness as reliance, I was completely separate from myself. I knkew that I was participating in this yet I continued. I willingly gave up on myself, and allowed to fuck with myself immensely through believing in love and believing in all that shit. I purposely did this to achieve a large desire of mine, which was to fall in love, so I did and I created it and the outcome was horrific. I was blaming this before on the fact of the relationship, not taking responsibility for my actions within the relationship. So I gave up my process, said fuck it to life, and willingly went into that relationship to give into my desire and the consequences were dire. I went into this knowingly, so I ignored life, I ignored myself, I purposely forgot myself, and purposely allowed all of that shit to come into me = love, happiness, reliance, deception, abuse within as emotions, desire for sex, anger and blame etc. The consequence of this was a break up and emotional turmoil. And the consequence that was equal and one with my decision was the fact of me forgetting everything, me having to re-learn process from the beginning. Me having to restart absolutely everything over and re-live much of the moments that I went through previously. I forgot what self-honesty was, I had to re-learn to apply self-forgiveness, I was not applying self-forgiveness during the relationship and if I did it was a dishonest starting point where it was out of blame, or wanting to feel good about myself, I only forgave the negative within me, not realizing that this was absolutely dishonest, this was to again fulfill my desire of absolute bliss and love and utter happiness and an ever lasting happiness and positivity, disgracing life, disgracing myself through doing this as I used a tool which is helpful to support life, to say fuck it to life, and now I see the absolute evil of myself, and support my desire of an ever lasting positivity which is dishonest and only out of self interest.

So again the consequences of these actions is now an addiction to sex, I have to relearn everything over, I have held onto points within that relationship, I have lost trust of myself, and have only extensively limited and affected myself within process and have to move all of the shit that I accumulated during that year. It is at least going to take a year to move through, most likely more. I only extended my process and made it `harder` for myself. Harder than what it already was which was extensive because I was participating in that voice then, and believing that I was talking to the dead or `inanimate` objects. I keep on reading information and realizing that I already knew that and I keep on questioning…what the fuck happened to me s I went through that relationship…the truth is nothing happened to me, I made it myself, I did it to myself and now I am living the consequences. I realize points that I have `realized` way before, before I went into the relationship, and I keep on forgetting a lot of shit that I used to remember, hence the equal consequence of my action, in which I purposely ignored self-honesty to participate in desire, and thus I have now forgotten much of what was assisting me in process, and have to re-learn everything over. Simply I fucked myself through wanting to fuck.

1 comment:

  1. Just last weekend, I went on a weekend partying binge. I didn't start it intentionally - but then again, I didn't stop it intentionally either.
    Thanks Paul