Sunday, January 9, 2011


I went skateboarding on Thursday, for 2 hours from the starting point of to exhaust myself to not need as much insulin from eating. This really sent my insulin need intake hay wire. I have been looking into how much is has been affecting me. I have done testing on this point through testing my sugar. Anyways I am becoming quite tired with feeling tired. Skateboarding that day has affected my sugar quite intensely as I do ot need as much insulin, and when I am high...which is still happening after I eat and sleep....I do much less insulin than I normally would and yet I still go low, and I have been finding myself needing to eat I have been eating all the fruit I have in my bag. I do not judge myself for the past I would get furious at myself for not being `able` to control the point of immediately stopping and never participating in (sugar) again. It is not only sugar but other points as well. As well in the past the addiction for sugar from eating the first piece of sugar has been uncontrollable, and I have allowed myself to give in and eat another piece of sugar. I have noticed that I look at the doughnuts and think about eating one, but I no longer allow myself to eat another one from the starting point of desiring one. I only eat one now if I need it and it is only for my sugar level now.


The point of exhaustion while being low – I do not like. It has been harder to control my sugar because of the physical activity. The physical activity resonates for a few days, so I have to reduce my insulin intake for those few days. I was not expecting it to have such a large affect on me, so I have been doing less insulin but I end up going low anyways, and while being low my body becomes extensively exhausted to the point where I am really sluggish. I dislike this point because I cannot do as much when I feel low. I do not want to participate in anything while I am low. I want to sleep and completely escape the feeling that I have. Eating though, and bringing my sugar level to where it should be removes this, as I no longer feel exhausted and feel like sitting down and removing myself from all participation. I cannot focus when I am low, I tend to think a lot when I am low, I try to think of a solution to the problem. The thoughts relate to the feeling I have…I feel exhausted so I want to stop everything and lay down and forget everything, and `escape`. I have been sleeping much more because of the desire to escape. I have been sleeping 5-8 hours and night and I sleep again mid-day for another 4-6 hours. I am sleeping this much because I do feel exhausted during the day and do not want to continue moving myself in the physical. I have been justifying this because I work at nights, and believe that I should sleep and get rest before I go to work..trying to remove the exhaustion. I have just done this, and I feel like again I want to sleep more to escape the time/space construct of having to move myself around during work. I project myself into the time frame of work, and project myself as an image of unhappiness, as I do not want to move through/as that time. I want to be done and have it over with so that I may sleep again and escape my reality.


Escaping my reality is a drug for me. I used to smoke weed to escape my reality and place myself within my mind dreaming up ideas about being god, or the devil or other such ideas about a higher power guiding me. I am addicted to escaping my reality. I did not escape my reality for the past few months, it has only started again now that I am sick, I want to escape the fact that I am sick, and cannot participate in the same way = not being sick and actually feeling fine. I want to escape the feeling of exhaustion by sleeping. Interesting how the exhaustion makes me sleepy, yet I sleep to escape the exhaustion. I am believing that work will make me exhausted so I am obviously not wanting to participate in work.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sleep to escape the physical. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to allow myself to feel exhausted and move myself accordingly. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist exhaustion. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape the feeling of exhaustion. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that exhaustion does exist. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape the physical movement of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to escape. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being here in every moment – being aware of every physical movement. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think to escape a exhausted feeling.


The word escape I have like for quite some time. As a kid I prided myself at being an `escape artist`, in the sense that I kept quiet so that no one would be able to notice me allowing myself to move freely, as well as escape within lying…escaping the consequences. I will blog about that next.

No comments:

Post a Comment