Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Existing for others

I have decided to take on this point as it has started to be shown within my reality and I have come to start to notice it and no longer am going to allow this to affect me. This point opened up through my sleeping habits. I have been sleeping more and more and more. And when getting up I think about all the things that I have to do today for myself, and I have been saying/thinking “fuck it, sleep is more enjoyable”. Within this I have been wanting to sleep more. I have not been getting up and moving myself for myself. I have been existing in desires and wants of escaping my reality and facing myself here. In the past I was able to sleep 4-6 hours a night no problem, and I realize now that my starting point was to prove myself as being effective to life. So recently I have not been sleeping 4-6 hours a night and it is because I have been wanting to sleep in because of the escape. I have not been existing for myself within this. I have been existing with the mind within this giving into desires because I no longer wanted to prove myself. I only now am aware of this point although I have noticed it many times, I have ignored it though. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that I am responsible for my reality and must direct it accordingly. That is what happens when I wake up. I think about the things I have to do within that day, and compare that to sleeping more and I ignore that fact that getting up in that moment is what would be best for me and continue sleeping. Within this I obviously am not existing for myself. I am taking on this point before it becomes a problem in my reality…I see that if I continue this I am going to have to give up some things that I want to keep. Like writing for example, as if I sleep too much I will only have time for work and won’t be able to write…the looking at this point within the equality equation I see that this is possible because I have started to sleep to get through any time that I have to wait through instead of doing something productive that would assist me.

When I exist for others I exist as a perception that others will `hopefully` accept and enjoy. I place myself within/as this perception through fear of sharing myself, because of childhood abuse…I spoke about in my vlog the link is attached. I have been fearing other people and their power over me….AH cool I did not see this before. I got hit as a kid because I stood up and my mother having power over me abused it, and now I fear being abused again by people having power over me. The thing is that I give my power to them by existing in inferiority. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being abused by power. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse power. The reason why I exist like this is because I saw when I got hit that people that have power over me have a direct control of my reality, and that if I stand up and show them them then they will fight back against me, and being a kid at the time I was not strong physically, I had to stand there and take it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by getting slapped. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing getting hit as a kid to affect my standing up in my reality now. I have not seen these points before….So I have given up my power to everyone in my reality, from the perscpective that if I want friends the other people are in control of that, and I must mold myself into their liking. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mold myself into as someones likings. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mold myself into a belief of how to be liked. This revolved around wanting to be accepted by others, and not accepting myself as life as who I am. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as life as who I am . Iforgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand as who I am as life.

Within conversation with people I notice that I give into their words. I do not hear their words, I just blindly accept their words. I confirm everything they say, unless it is completely abusive, from fear of not having anyone around to support me. Through fear of being alone, through fear of standing as myself alone. I will speak in a manor of acceptance of their words and not give my own perspective on it. I am not inferior to anyone, I only give them my power through acceptance of inferiority, I only allow them to walk over me if they choose to, I do not need to comply with everything in this system, I will only move myself around in this system effectively and existing within inferiority is not effective. People are not going to stand up for themselves, rarely do they ever as I show myself, This is going to be a process of walking myself through this and when I fear saying something out of fear of not being accepted or hurting another’s ego I must check my starting point and continue to say it if it is self-honest or effective at stopping this inferiority construct. And stop participating inothers conversations if they are bullshit and go no where. I no longer accept myself as inferiority, and I no longer accept this bullshit in my reality.

Thank you, Paul Quessy

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