Monday, January 3, 2011

The Day of Shit

I do not really want to post my day because I have yet to write it out and I am doing that for the course = limitation. I don't see why I can't write it out here. I just made the excuse of the fact that I do not have enough time to look at my entire day and write it out.... it is like I do not want to spoil it...I have made the plans to write it our when I get home and if I write it out here I spoil it? nonsense.

Again today I was wanting to escape to a certain degree. I slept in when I wanted to get up and move myself wthin the world. I wanted to get my rent from the bank when it opened up (8) and go to the library when it opened(10) to utilize the most of my time. I ended up sleeping in past these times. Who am I within that? I did not care about what I wanted to do to support me. I only wanted to further my experience with sleep. I was enjoying not being here. I was enjoying not having to face the cold or the winter or having to move myself around in the winter time. I bike around everywhere in the winter and dislike the cold to an Nth degree. I did not care about whether I was effective in the day or not I just really enjoyed the sleep I had. As well it was the motivation to get up. I had no motivation. I used to use cigarettes - a want or desire - to get up and start the day. I would normally think ( !!! I get to smoke if I get up) then I would get up to have a cigarette. Today I did not have any in the morning so there was no motivation to move. I did not care about myself in applying myself in doing what I needed to do in the day, I was too involved in my mind and its desires which was sleep and escape lol. I didn't have a desire to get me up but I had one to keep me asleep. I eventually got up with the thought of "Fuck this is enough of this" and started to move myself in my day.

Money was the start of my day. I started off with calling about getting internet at my house and to find out the prices and what were the options of getting it. Money is a large factor in this and it would be too expensive right now for me to pay for it - that was my excuse ...I have the money. I do not want to spend that amount of money on the internet at the house for something that I can currently get for free and faster elsewhere. It is frugality. Lol excuse. I do not want to put the money towards it, and that is it. I went to the bank to find out that it was closed and was happy that it was closed so that I could hold onto money for a bit longer and not have to pay my rent right now...I hold onto money until I MUST spend it. Anyhting that is not a must I will not allocate it towards it...that is something that I will work on and apply myself within.

My dad (Stephen) ended up calling me to go out for lunch and we decided to go to his place for lunch...again I was glad that I did not have to spend money on food and would be fed by anothers monetary means. I am working on this point and stopping myself from going to my mothers for food and internet. the reason I went with my father is because I thought that since I missed boxing day I would have some shit that I would have allocated to me. I had a gift card to the licqour store that I was initally upset about then stopped because participating in that was bullshit and ended up giving it to my sister. What would have been best is to completely throw it out... holy shit I am fearing greatly my participation in life as I am now looking at all the bullshit that I participate within the day. I used the fact that I gave her that giftcard to get her to buy me cigarettes. I smoked one and stood up within myself creating the decision for and as myself separate from beliefs to stop. I left the pack in her car(e) <-- typo and gave them to her.

At Stephens house me my sister and him got into an argument about my participation in desteni. I was very angry in this because the phrase it has been and will always be came up and I reacted to this in anger...Intense anger. I was not sharing myself in the conversation only yelling....only shouting AT them. So that went nowhere really and their main point was that of fear for me for losing my number within society. They reacted to the fact that I give them money and that they asked for my passport...believing that People will steal my identity Now that I am looking at myself within my day I can see the shit that I participate in and would normally become very judgemental at myself but am grateful right now for ITD.

Enjoy Paul.


  1. Cool Paul, I laughed at the title of this post - so speaking and describing the experience of yourself in only four words.

    There is much shit to be faced, taking it one breath at a time it's easier and the more one do it - the easier it get's. I still have day's where I experience and see the shit of me, but at I continue to move and apply myself to become less and less.

    Cool that you didn't judge yourself, let's keep walking.

  2. Yes lets keep walking. Recently I have not been accepting as much shit. It usually revolves around fear